*Sung lyrics in bold.
(Preshow Video)
CONSTRUCTION WORKER #1 (BOSS)
(Wanders across screen, grunts and looks around. Crosses to left TV.) Oh, yeah, yeah, hey, hey — Roy! Roy!
CONSTRUCTION WORKER #2 (ROY)
Yeah, boss?
BOSS
Over here!
ROY
Okay! Yo, Rick! Movin’ out!
CONSTRUCTION WORKER #3 (RICK)
Roy? Oh, yes sir!
ROY
I’m here, boss.
BOSS
Okay, okay. Now listen up… Where’s Chuck?
RICK
Chuck!
ROY
Yo, Chuck!
RICK
Chuck!
BOSS
Hey Chuck, come here, come here, come here!
CONSTRUCTION WORKER #4 (CHUCK)
Yeah, boss?
BOSS
Chuck. For the sign, there’s a rope. Pull the rope.
CHUCK
Oh, rope.
BOSS
Pull the rope, Chuck. Okay, Chucky. Okay, okay, here we go. Pull!
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Up, pull, up, etc.
(CHUCK pulls the rope and the sign raises up. It goes too far.)
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Whoa whoa whoa!
BOSS
Down, down, down. Good, good.
(The sign goes down too far.)
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
BOSS
Chuck, Chuck, Chuck — up Chuck.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Okay, okay, good, etc.
BOSS
Okay, good Chuck.
CHUCK
Thanks, boss.
BOSS
(Crosses to right TV.) Listen, uh… Roy! Rick!
RICK
Yeah, boss?
BOSS
Okay, now, there’s — where’s Chuck?
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Chuck! Yo, Chuck! Come here, Chuck, etc.
(CHUCK crosses to right TV.)
BOSS
Okay, Chuck…
CHUCK
Yeah?
BOSS
Another sign. Another rope. Go.
CHUCK
Rope? (Exits offscreen.)
BOSS
Okay, okay. Here we go. Okay, uh, ready? Pull! Pull!
(CHUCK pulls way too hard and sign flies way too high.)
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Whoa! Whoa! Chuck! Chuck! No! No, etc.
(CHUCK releases rope and sign falls to ground.)
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
No! No. Up, up, up, etc.
(CHUCK raises sign to the right level.)
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Good, good, etc.
BOSS
That’s good. Good, Chuck!
CHUCK
Thanks, boss!
BOSS
Okay, okay, Roy. Get over there, get over there. (ROY moves back to right TV.) Okay, okay, uh, Chuck!
CHUCK
Mmm?
BOSS
Okay, the center. The center rope. Okay, here we go. Ready? One. Two. Three — (Grunts as HE lifts on the rope.)
(Music begins.)
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Come on, Chuck, come on, etc.
(Middle sign rises to occupy center TV. It reads “Jim Henson’s Muppet*Vision 3D”).
BOSS
(Reading) Okay, it’s “Jim Henson’s Muppet*Vision 3D.” Yeah, good work.
(CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3 cross to middle TV and stand in front of sign.)
BOSS
Yeah, yeah, good Chuck!
(CHUCK releases the rope and the sign falls on CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3. They yell as it flattens them. Other two signs fall and crash as well.)
SCOOTER (Entering)
Video display test! Lose the background! (TVs all go black.) Thank you!
(Walks from the left TV to center to right. The displays change colors. When HE appears in the right TV, SCOOTER is tinted green.) Heh, Scooter from Mars. (Pushes a button to change the color back to normal. HE walks back to left TV.) That’ll do it. (Goes to center TV as left TV changes to test pattern. Center TV screen reception wobbles, sending SCOOTER up and down and making him sick.) Hey, guys — help! (Crosses to right TV, which shows several SCOOTERs in little boxes. He is still woozy.) Thanks, guys… (Exits the right TV to the right, but then immediately enters the left TV on the left.)
Uh, check. (Goes to the center TV.) Haven’t I been here before? (To the right TV.) Mm-hmm. (Exits right and immediately enters left again.) Good. (Crosses to center TV. A second SCOOTER outline, made of TV static wobbles around HIM.) Wow, is that weird or what?! (Crossing back to left TV.) Hey, Tom!
(TOM enters left TV and crosses by SCOOTER.)
TOM
Yeah?
SCOOTER
(Indicates center TV with static outline.) Over there.
(TOM crosses to center TV and hits the SCOOTER outline with a hammer, making it disappear.)
SCOOTER
How technical. (TOM crosses by him.) Uh, thanks.
TOM
Sure. (Exits.)
(All TVs go black as music starts. A PAINTER enters the right tv and laughs toward the audience. He begins rolling on paint, but moving images appear. First, several fish swim around. PAINTER continues painting all three TVs.)
PAINTER
Fish! (Exits.)
(A CREW MEMBER enters the left TV wearing scuba gear. HE looks around at all the fish and then pulls out a stopper from the center TV. The water and the fish all drain out. HE exits. Four PENGUINS appear across the three screens. The one on the right TV has a tuba and plays a few notes. They all make PENGUIN noises at one another. FOZZIE enters the left TV and interrupts their cacophony.)
FOZZIE
Okay, okay, penguins — okay, penguins, into the theatre. We have to rehearse. (Begins herding the PENGUINS across the screens toward the right TV.) Okay. You too, guys. Yeah, orchestra rehearsal. Yeah, yeah. Okay, inside guys. (One penguin, EUGENE, has been left behind.) Hey, Eugene… Wait a second, wait a second! (HE crosses to left TV to grab EUGENE by the collar and drag him toward the rehearsal.) We need you, okay? Into the — into the theatre! Orchestra rehearsal, Eugene. (Looks back to the left TV and sees another penguin, ELMER.) Okay, Elmer! C’mon now. (Dragging ELMER.) Okay, you too, Elmer. (Grabs EUGENE too.) Okay, both you guys, in. Come on guys! I need you there! (Looks back toward the left TV and sees a CHICKEN. HE crosses to the CHICKEN and meets her in center TV.) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hold it! Hold it, hold it! You’re not a penguin — you’re a chicken.
CHICKEN
(Clucks.)
FOZZIE
I told you chickens to stay on the other side of the road. (To someone off-camera.) Okay, why did this chicken cross the road?
CHICKEN
(Clucks in rhythm of “To get to the other side.”)
FOZZIE
Ahhh, that’s funny! (Exiting right.) Hey, penguins, I got a joke — Why did the chicken cross the road?
(Musical transition as FOZZIE exits right and CHICKEN exits left. Curtains close on all three screens. SCOOTER enters right and crosses center.)
SCOOTER
Uh, ladies and gentlemen — could I have your attention, please?
(RIZZO enters right.)
SCOOTER
Um, excuse me… Uh, um…
(RIZZO runs forward)
RIZZO
QUIEEEET! (The AUDIENCE falls silent.) What? You gotta project, from the diaphragm.
SCOOTER
Thank you, Rizzo.
RIZZO
You’re welcome.
SCOOTER
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if you could step as far forward and close together as you can —
RIZZO
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah — get real close. You see, we’re doing research on deodorant strength. (Laughs.)
SCOOTER
Rizzo… you’re disgusting!
RIZZO
It’s a gift — ha! (Exits right.)
SCOOTER
(Sighs.) Well, we’re ready to start Muppet*Vision 3D. And if you’ll —
(FOZZIE enters left and interrupts.)
FOZZIE
Uh, Scooter, Scooter, Scooter — ‘scuse me, but, uh, where’s Kermit?
SCOOTER
Oh, he’s inside, getting ready.
FOZZIE
Oh, oh, great, great. (Crossing right.) I’ve got a whole new act for the 3D movie — just wait here. I’ll get him. (Gets to right TV.) Okay, get ready, girls! (Crosses center.) Scooter, I’d like to present the three D’s —
(DOROTHY enters right, followed by DINAH, and MAX.)
DOROTHY
Hi, I’m Dorothy!
DINAH
I’m Dinah!
MAX
I’m Max! Yeah, Debbie was sick, so, uh, the union sent me.
FOZZIE
(Looking at SCOOTER.) Debbie was sick, so the un — (Clears throat and pulls out a pitch pipe.)
DINAH
One, two, three —
DOROTHY AND DINAH
By the light
MAX
By the light, by the light
DOROTHY AND DINAH
Of the silvery moon…
MAX
Not the sun, but the moon.
SCOOTER
(Interrupts.) No, no, no, no. C’mon, no, no, no, Fozzie — get them out of here.
FOZZIE
Okay, okay. C’mon girls, I’m sorry.
(FOZZIE herds the angry girls and MAX toward the left screen. They protest.)
FOZZIE
It’s okay. Maybe another time, etc.
SCOOTER
Sorry about this, folks.
FOZZIE
Another time.
SCOOTER
Come on, Max.
MAX
Whoa! Watch the dress, fella. Will ya?
(SCOOTER gets them all off screen.)
SCOOTER
Oh, brother. Ugh! Now, folks, if you —
(BEAN BUNNY enters left with his one-man band costume on. HE crosses noisily.)
BEAN BUNNY
Hi Scooter.
SCOOTER
Bean, where are you goin’?
BEAN BUNNY
Oh, I’m going to help Miss Piggy with her musical number! (HE starts to exit right.)
SCOOTER
(Calls after him.) But Bean, you know nobody interrupts Miss Piggy while she’s rehearsing!
(BEAN has exited right. Noise of a scuffle with MISS PIGGY, and then BEAN gets hurled back onto the screen from off right. HE crashes.)
MISS PIGGY (Offscreen)
Don’t come back!
SCOOTER
I warned you…
(BEAN gets up and looks dazed. GONZO enters from left.)
GONZO
Scooter! (Sees BEAN.) Ooh, nice outfit!
BEAN BUNNY
Thanks… (Exits.)
GONZO
Scooter! Scooter! There’s a telephone call for you — it’s urgent.
SCOOTER
Oh, thanks! (Exits left.)
GONZO
Yeah, yeah. (To audience.) I got him. We don’t have a telephone! (Laughs.) And now, ladies and gentlemen, while you are a captive audience — a display of tremendous tap-dancing talent with the added cultural component of — (Fanfare as he crosses to the left TV with a pot of flowers on his head.) a pot of flowers balanced on my head. Hit it, Rusty!
(GONZOs appear on all three screens as he dances to a soft-shoe melody. Tap dancing sounds are heard.)
GONZOS
Yeah!
(The center GONZO’s pot crashes to the floor. The right GONZO runs into center TV.)
RIGHT GONZO
Oh, you dropped your pot.
CENTER GONZO
Oh!
(THREE GONZOS sing a line along with the music.)
RIGHT GONZO
Pick it up!
(CENTER GONZO grabs his pot while more crashing and tap dancing noises are heard.)
RIGHT GONZO
Got it?
CENTER GONZO
Yeah!
(GONZOS go back to their respective TVs and end their dance with a synchronized time step. Music out. Applause.)
GONZOS
Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. Thank you. You’re welcome, etc.
CENTER GONZO
What about me?
(GONZOS disappear. TVs return to curtain backdrop. SCOOTER enters left.)
SCOOTER
Gonzo? Gonzo?!
(Two GONZOS enter left and right TVs.)
GONZOS
Yes, Scooter?
SCOOTER
Uh… we have no phone.
GONZOS
Well, we’ll run right out and get one. (They disappear.)
(SCOOTER looks around, disoriented.)
SCOOTER
Uh, where was I before I was interrupted? Um… oh, yes, I was gonna tell you about the 3D —
(BEAN BUNNY enters left inside a pool toy. He makes motorcycle sounds.)
BEAN BUNNY
Hello, Scooter! (Starts to exit right.)
SCOOTER
Bean! Bean! Where you goin’ with that?
BEAN BUNNY
Oh, I thought Miss Piggy might need a prop for her number!
SCOOTER
Bean, can’t you see that Piggy doesn’t want any help?
BEAN BUNNY
Oh, I’m sure she’ll like this! (Exits right.)
SCOOTER
(To audience.) Look, I’m sorry about these interruptions.
MISS PIGGY (Offscreen)
Get out of here!! Hi-ya! (BEAN goes soaring across the three screens.) And stay out!
SCOOTER
Heh heh, okay, well, all right… we’re just about ready to start the movie. So, if you listen carefully, you can hear the orchestra tuning up.
(PENGUINS begin to cross from left to right, making penguin noises while the sound of orchestral tuning is heard.)
SCOOTER
Hey, now wait a second! Hey, you penguins can’t go in there! You’ll interrupt the orchestra.
(FOZZIE has entered among the PENGUINS.)
FOZZIE
Scooter! These penguins are the orchestra! (Herding PENGUINS.) C’mon, Eugene! C’mon, Estelle! C’mon, let’s go! Come on, come on!
(PENGUINS and FOZZIE exit right.)
SCOOTER
All right… Before we go in, here’s Sam Eagle with some important safety instructions. (Exits.)
(Patriotic music as SAM EAGLE enters left and crosses center.)
SAM EAGLE
(Clears throat.) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls — I am Sam Eagle, and these are some important safety instructions for you —
(GONZO enters left.)
GONZO
Excuse me — Sam! Sam!
SAM EAGLE
Not now, Gonzo.
GONZO
But Sam, this is urgent. Come here!
(GONZO and SAM have a whispered conversation between the TVs left and center.)
SAM EAGLE
What?!
GONZO
Yes!
SAM EAGLE
(Gasps.) Really?! Here?!
GONZO
Yes, indeed. Right over there!
SAM EAGLE
Well of course, certainly. Ladies and gentlemen, we have an unexpected surprise. I have the great honor of introducing the one, the only, Mr. Mickey Mouse!
(RIZZO enters right wearing Mickey ears. HE sings to the tune of the “Mickey Mouse Club March.”)
RIZZO
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na — Hello! Hi there! Welcome to my park. How ya doin’? Hello!
SAM EAGLE
(Sputters.) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
RIZZO
What?
SAM EAGLE
You are not Mickey Mouse — you are a rat!
RIZZO
Rat-shmat! Besides, they’re tourists! What do they know?
SAM EAGLE
Will you get out of here?!
RIZZO
Okay, but do I still get my 10 bucks?
SAM EAGLE
Get out! Get out! Get out!
(RIZZO exits, grumbling.)
GONZO
I got Donald Duck back here, I —
SAM EAGLE
Will you get out?!
GONZO
Yes. (Exits.)
SAM EAGLE
I apologize. (Sighs.) Now, where was I? Yes, safety instructions. First, when entering the theatre, please move as far to the end of the row as possible. Stopping in the middle is distinctly un-patriotic. Second, do not attempt to walk while wearing your 3D glasses. (GONZO walks by wearing 3D glasses.) You may trip — and frankly, you will look — (GONZO trips.) What are you doing?
GONZO
I’m just showing how you can trip if you walk with your glasses on.
SAM EAGLE
Will you stop this foolishness?!
GONZO
What foolishness would you like to see?
SAM EAGLE (Yelling)
Will you get out of here?!
(GONZO screams and exits right.)
GONZO
Yes. (Passing SCOOTER, who enters right.) Excuse me, sorry.
SAM EAGLE
What now?
SCOOTER
We’re almost ready, Sam.
SAM EAGLE
Oh! Fine, fine, fine, fine. Okay, Scooter. (Clears throat.) Now, the performers will all go in the theatre first, and then you, the audience, will be admitted. All right, performers! Let us enter in an orderly fashion and provide an example —
(Bugle fanfare. The PERFORMERS all rush across from the left to the right, trampling SAM EAGLE.)
SAM EAGLE
(Gets to his feet wearily.) Will… somebody… please take over? (HE faints forward.)
(Curtains rise on all three screens to reveal the signs that the CONSTRUCTION WORKERS hung at the beginning of the video. Fanfare. Doors open to let guests into the theatre.)
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