*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Guests enter theatre and are greeted by announcement from Canadian cast member. The film begins.)

(Blizzard conditions appear on screen.)

NARRATOR
Canada! Big. Wide. And very, very cold.

MARTIN SHORT
What?

NARRATOR
Here in the great white north, it snows 24 hours a day—

MARTIN SHORT
No, no, no…

NARRATOR
Every day of the year.

MARTIN SHORT
Excuse me!

NARRATOR
Its frozen landscape is dotted with igloos—

MARTIN SHORT
Uh, hello!

NARRATOR
Homes for the vast majority of Canadians.

MARTIN SHORT
Would someone please just stop the—

NARRATOR
Penguins and polar bears prowl the permafrost—

MARTIN SHORT
Stop the movie!!

(MARTIN SHORT appears on screen as the NARRATOR’s voice gets cut off.)

MARTIN SHORT
Thank you.

(The snow disappears, coating MARTIN SHORT in the process.)

NARRATOR
Of all the nerve…

MARTIN SHORT
Sorry to interrupt, but everything he said is wrong. (To NARRATOR) You’re completely wrong!

NARRATOR
I am?

MARTIN SHORT
Have you ever been to Canada?

NARRATOR
Mm, technically, no.

MARTIN SHORT
Uh-huh… You know, you know, I think these good people deserve to hear from someone who knows the true Canada — someone who loves Canada, who grew up there.

NARRATOR
Is Celene Dion here?!

MARTIN SHORT
No, Celene Dion is not here. I’m referring to myself — Martin Short. Hello. Raised in Hamilton, Ontario…

NARRATOR
Fine! I’ll just go to the France Pavilion film — where they appreciate an invisible narrator!

MARTIN SHORT
Adieu… That’s French…

(Sound of a door opening and slamming.)

MARTIN SHORT
Now, I can show you the real Canada — my Canada. And there’s lots to see, so let’s go, shall we?

(Scenes from Niagara Falls appear onscreen, with Toronto in the background.)

MARTIN SHORT
First stop, Niagara Falls. Oh, I know what you’re thinking — you’re thinking, “But Martin, those are in America!” And you’d be half right. This half, however, is in Canada: the spectacular Horseshoe Falls.

(Onscreen scene changes to Bay of Fundy.)

MARTIN SHORT
Now, from one natural wonder to another, check out the Bay of Fundy in New Brunswick — the largest tide in the world. Now this is low-tide, obviously, when you can actually walk on the sea floor. But at high-tide, you’d be 50 feet underwater. So time your walks very carefully, okay?

(Scene changes to follow a train passing by mountains.)

MARTIN SHORT
From the East Coast, we zoom across six timezones to the West Coast, so keep your hands and feet inside the country at all times.

(Scene changes to Butchart Gardens.)

MARTIN SHORT
Vancouver Island’s spectacular Butchart Gardens — inspiring visitors from around the world for over 100 years.

(Flowers bloom in fast motion on screen.)

MARTIN SHORT
But if you like your plants a little bigger, take a stroll through nearby Cathedral Grove.

(Scene changes to giant tree trunks of Cathedral Grove.)

MARTIN SHORT
Some of the trees here are more than 800 years old. With sights like these, I’m sure it comes as no surprise that Canadians love the great outdoors.

(Cut to shots of various wildlife, including elk, deer, moose, geese, eagles, wolves, bears, etc.)

MARTIN SHORT
Especially these Canadians!

(Screens all change to show polar bears.)

MARTIN SHORT
I suppose the polar bears are a bit of a giveaway that we do get a little snow in Canada.

(Camera pans over snow-covered mountains.)

MARTIN SHORT
But you know what, it doesn’t slow us down — not one bit.

(Skiers and snowboarders are shown doing various tricks and jumps. Cut to athletes curling.)

MARTIN SHORT
And okay, sometimes I do get a little excited about curling… but who doesn’t?

(MARTIN SHORT appears on screen in curling uniform and throws the stone. He runs after it, waving his arms.)

MARTIN SHORT
Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!

(Cut to pedestrians skating down an icy canal.)

MARTIN SHORT
In winter, skating is our favorite form of transportation. Like here on the Rideau Canal in Ottawa.

(Cut to MARTIN SHORT dressed in hockey uniform.)

MARTIN SHORT
I was practically born on skates. In fact, I just happen to have some footage from my glory days in peewee hockey.

(The rest of the screens show a peewee hockey game.)

MARTIN SHORT
Isn’t it great that my parents owned a CircleVision camera?! What are the odds?

SKATING KID
Don’t pass it to Marty!

MARTIN SHORT
Hey, that’s me!

(One of the KIDS passes to YOUNG MARTY, who misses the puck. The KIDS groan.)

SKATING KID
He never scores!

MARTIN SHORT
Well, I think you can clearly see my early potential.

(Cut to a pro hockey game.)

MARTIN SHORT
Sure, I could have gone pro — the dream of every young Canadian.

(One player violently checks another into the wall.)

MARTIN SHORT
But I decided to go into comedy instead.

(Sound of ice cracking, and MARTIN SHORT falls through the ice into the water.)

MARTIN SHORT
(Screams.) Looks like things are warming up.

(Cut to rafters navigating rapids, horses racing, and baseball players.)

MARTIN SHORT
But that’s okay, because when the snow melts, Canadians are just as passionate about warm-weather sports.

(Cut to skateboarder doing a trick and then lacrosse players scoring a goal. Cut to a seaside town.)

MARTIN SHORT
Here in Nova Scotia, our passion is sailing. This is the home of the legendary Bluenose — winner of four international races in her day. We’re so proud of her, we put her image on a coin! Check it out the next time you accidentally get a Canadian dime in your change.

(Boats sail across open water. Camera pans over a bridge and over islands.)

MARTIN SHORT
Yes, Canadians do treasure nature and the great outdoors, and with such colorful small towns as Moosejaw and Medicine Hat, some people might think we’re rustic backwoods folks. But in fact, most Canadians live in cities. C’mon, I’ll show you.

(Cut to wharf in Victoria.)

MARTIN SHORT
Here’s beautiful Victoria, British Columbia. The architecture of this charming city is so inspired by its British heritage, that you would swear you were in England.

(Cut to Vancouver skyline.)

MARTIN SHORT
Victoria’s nearest neighbor is Vancouver. This diverse, cosmopolitan city is nestled between a rainforest, coastal mountains, and the Pacific Ocean. It’s also home to Canada’s exciting film industry — now that’s talent!

(Cut to scenes from Calgary.)

MARTIN SHORT
Next stop is Calgary, gateway to the Rocky Mountains — where sophisticated city living is right around the corner from outdoor adventure. And if you visit in July, don’t forget to pack your chaps and spurs.

(MARTIN SHORT appears on screen in full cowboy regalia.)

MARTIN SHORT
Yee-haw! Haha! The Calgary Stampede — in the saddle since 1912. With buckin’ broncos, wagon races, and bull riding. Let me show you how it’s done. (He uses his lasso to try to catch a passing calf.) Get along, little doggie!

(A bullrider tries to stay atop a bucking bull, wagon races go by, and a cowboy wrestles a cow to the ground. Cut to MARTIN SHORT tied up on the ground in his own rope, while the calf looks on from behind him.)

MARTIN SHORT
From the height of the Rockies to the height of sophistication —Toronto.

(Cut to Toronto skyline.)

MARTIN SHORT
This is a truly creative city, filled with theatres, museums, and nightlife.

(Cut to celebrities and photographers at the Toronto International Film Festival.)

MARTIN SHORT
The highlight of the year is the Toronto International Film Festival, where stars and fans from all over the world arrive for premieres and parties. C’est magnifique. Oh, I know,  you’re probably thinking, “Hey Marty, what’s with the French?”

(Cut to Quebec City skyline.)

MARTIN SHORT
Well, it’s because now we are in Quebec — the cradle of French civilization in North America. Quebec City is the only walled city in Canada.

(Cut to various views of Quebec City attractions and locals. Cut to Montreal skyline.)

MARTIN SHORT
But the largest city in the Provence de Quebec is Montreal. In fact, it’s the largest French-speaking city outside of France. Elle est très belle, non? A little help for the monolinguals in the audience.

(Subtitles read “It is very beautiful, no?”)

MARTIN SHORT
Merci!

(Subtitles read “You’re welcome!” Cut to shots of landmarks from across Montreal.)

MARTIN SHORT
Montreal is the home of a little theatre group you just might be familiar with.

(Cut to scenes performed by Cirque du Soleil. MARTIN SHORT appears on screen atop a ball being help up by an acrobat.)

MARTIN SHORT
Cirque du Soleil was created on the sidewalks of Quebec by street performers in 1984. Today, it has shows all over the world.

(Cut to more acrobatic scenes from Cirque du Soleil.)

MARTIN SHORT
And speaking of talented performers, here are a few other Canadians you might recognize.

(Celebrities appear on screen, including Keanu Reeves, Avril Lavigne, Joni Mitchell, Catherine O’Hara, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Dan Ackroyd, William Shatner, k.d. lang, etc.)

MARTIN SHORT
Wait, aren’t we missing the most glamorous one of all?

(All the screens display headshots of MARTIN SHORT.)

MARTIN SHORT
Ah, that’s better. Well, I guess you could say entertainers are Canada’s most important export. But let me introduce you to the real stars of Canada — the people who make up one of the most diverse countries in the world.

(Images of Canadian citizens of all ages start to appear on screen.)

MARTIN SHORT
From our native people to our newest immigrants, we treasure that diversity. But no matter who we are, we’re all proud to be Canadian. This would be the perfect place for a song. I think so, don’t you?

(Music begins for “Canada – You’re a Lifetime Journey.” Cut to mounties forming a long line on horseback. During the song, the camera pans across various scenes from different parts of Canada, focusing on all different landscapes.)

FEMALE SOLOIST
Canada,
My Canada,
You’re a lifetime journey for the traveler.

Canada,
My Canada,
You’re a lifeline of wonder on this planet Earth.

Canada,
You are far too vast and beautiful for words to ever really tell.
Canada,
Ten thousand dawns and sunsets I could see,
And still not know you well.

J’ai suivi la trace de tes oiseaux de neiges dans les forêts,
J’atteins peu à peu ton coeur et je vois
Comme si comme l’enfant.

Canada (Canada),
My Canada (mon Canada),
Aboutissement d’un rêve pour tous les voyageurs.

Canada (Canada),
My Canada (mon Canada),
Sur ta ligne de vie se tracent les miracles de la terre.

Canada,
Comme une odyssée à travers les temps,
Tu es la fleur et la semence.
Canada,
Tes montagnes, tes villes, et tes mers
Sont tout ce que j’aime.

People from around the world have settled in your land.
For their heritage and Canada they stand,
Side by side and hand in hand.

Canada (Canada)
My Canada (mon Canada)
You’re a lifeline of wonder.

(The montage ends in Vancouver, where the camera pans over the Canada Place terminal.)

FEMALE SOLOIST
Ooh, ohh, mmm.

(Cut to Niagara Falls at night.)

MARTIN SHORT
Here we area at Niagara Falls again. We’ve come full-circle, and sadly, our journey has come to an end.

(MARTIN SHORT appears on screen.)

MARTIN SHORT
Well, I just hope you enjoyed your tour of my Canada — but there’s nothing like the real thing. So just walk outside the theatre, hook a left toward that big silver ball, and keep walking due north, you can’t miss it. Just tell them Marty sent you. (He tries to get out of the screen.) Now, how do I get out of here, ’cause I have a FASTPASS for Soarin’… Hate to miss it… (Looking around.) I need help!

(He wanders off screen as the film ends.)

Help us transcribe more shows and attractions! Support the site by shopping via our Amazon link.