(Guests proceed from Pre-Show into the loading area and board ride vehicles.)

MALE SAFETY ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, please continue moving to the front of the theatre—filling the front rows first. Once you’ve selected a row, please move all the way to the end of the row. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your party together and continue moving to the front of the theatre—filling the front rows first. Once you select a row, please move all the way to the end of the row. Thank you.

FEMALE SAFETY ANNOUNCER
Just a reminder, there may be no flash pictures or video lighting inside Ellen’s mind. Because we don’t want to wake her up and spoil the dream. Thank you.

Once again, please do not change rows, and stay clear of the doors. For your safety, remain seated with your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the theatre car—uh, Ellen’s dream. And be sure to watch your children.

And now, let’s return to Ellen’s dream.

(Lights go out.)

DREAM ELLEN
Why is it so dark?

BILL NYE
Because there’s nothing to see.

DREAM ELLEN
Let me get this straight—you brought me back billions of years so you could show me… nothing?

BILL NYE
Sort of, uh, but out of this nothingness, many scientists believe the universe was born.

DREAM ELLEN
Must’ve been a big delivery room, huh?

BILL NYE
Uh, yeah. Ah, see that single point of very hot, very dense matter? It contains all the energy of the universe. And it’s about to expand at an astonishing rate! Oh, here, better put these on. Hearing protectors… ’cause, it’s the Big Bang!

DREAM ELLEN
The piggy bank?

BILL NYE
No, the Big Bang.

DREAM ELLEN
The ding dang?

BILL NYE
The Big Bang!

DREAM ELLEN
Oh…

BILL NYE
Now, what you’re about to witness took place over billions of years. Oh boy. Whew! Uh, better take cover.

DREAM ELLEN
(Doing semaphore.) All right, universe, you’re cleared for takeoff. Come on. Hahaha… Come on… Bill? Bill Nye? Bill Nye the Science Guy? Bill?!

(BILL NYE pushes DREAM ELLEN out a door just in time before the Big Bang. Screens show solar systems, stars, and planets, and finally zoom in to Earth, where mountains and oceans are forming. After blackness, BILL NYE and DREAM ELLEN appear on screen, wearing safari gear.)

BILL NYE
Here we are! Two hundred twenty million years in the earth’s past. Give or take, uh… a day.

DREAM ELLEN
Bill? Bill, I… I know I asked you to help me with this energy stuff and everything, but I was kind of hoping you’d show me a… slide show.

BILL NYE
A slide show? I guess that’d be easier, but… eh—this is way more fun!

DREAM ELLEN
Uh, yeah… this is fun. Where’s the energy?

BILL NYE
Oh, it’s all around you. See, these plants and animals are soaking up energy from the sun. When they die and get buried, time, pressure, and heat will cook them into the fossil fuels we rely on today—like, uh, coal, natural gas, and oil.

DREAM ELLEN
Wait a minute. You’re telling me that we’re filling our gas tanks with—well, with dinosaur soup?

BILL NYE
Well, not exactly. But dinosaurs did live when fossil fuels were developing in the earth. Dinosaurs are just cool! Let’s check ’em out!

DREAM ELLEN
Why don’t we just skip to the Air Conditioning and Jacuzzi Period, huh?

BILL NYE
Ellen, it’s the chance of a lifetime! It’s the chance of a hundred million lifetimes! Come on!

DREAM ELLEN
You go ahead and make sure it’s safe. I’ll wait here, okay? (To guests.) You might as well go, too. This is my nightmare. No need you stayin’ with me. (Dinosaur makes a loud noise.) Maybe I’ll go. What am I so scared of? It’s just a dinosaur. What’s the big deal about dinosaurs? They’re not so tough. Probably have a brain the size of a pea. (Another dinosaur growls.) Ah… I hope you’re not upset about that pea-brain crack—’cause, you know, now that I think of it, I’m sure peas are… much larger in this time period. I happen to love peas—don’t you? (Dinosaur growls again.) I’ll take that as a maybe. I should get going, ’cause I’m supposed to be dinner—I mean have dinner… with friends. So I should go… Hey, what’s over there?

(Another loud dinosaur noise. Ride vehicles move into dinosaur diorama.)

DREAM ELLEN (Voiceover)
Bill…? Oh, Bill? Where are you? Ow! Bill, is that you? (Dinosaur growls.) That’s your stomach growling, isn’t it? (Dinosaur growls again.) Okay, I told you we should’ve stopped for snacks. (Dinosaur growls louder.) You’re not Bill, are you? I mean, you could be—your name could be Bill, but you’re not the Bill that I—

BILL NYE (Voiceover)
Hey, Ellen!

DREAM ELLEN (Voiceover)
Excuse me, please.

BILL NYE (Voiceover)
Come on, I can see everything over here!

DREAM ELLEN (Voiceover)
No, you come over here. I’m not taking one more step until I can see where I’m going. (Loud dinosaur noise.) That’s good enough for me. Wait up, Bill! I’m coming!

(Ride vehicles move through dinosaur diorama and past ANIMATRONIC ELLEN warding off a large dinosaur.)

ANIMATRONIC ELLEN
Whew, somebody had garlic for lunch! Don’t make me use this thing! I’ll use it! I’ll use the thing! Don’t make me! Stop it! You don’t need to eat me! Trust me, I’ll just spoil your appetite! If you can’t say something nice… then, ya can’t. Hey! Listen mister, don’t give me that attitude! Bill! I could use a little help here! Down, boy. I said, down, boy! Bill? Could you find a park ranger? Park ranger! My, what big teeth you have! And so many! Take that, ya big bullysaurus!

BILL NYE (Voiceover)
Ellen! Hey, Ellen! This way! There’s still lots more to see! Ellen? Ellen? Where are you? Don’t lag behind, This way—let’s check it out! Ellen, let’s get a move on! There’s some way cool stuff just ahead! Something’s falling, Ellen. We don’t have all day. Come on!

RADIO ANNOUNCER (Voiceover)
KNRG news time: 55 million B.C. Now, for a look at our weather. Willard?

WILLARD SCOTT (Voiceover)
Okay! Our ultra-extended forecast calls for decreasing dinosaur population, followed by a sudden growth in those tiny little creatures the size of mice, that we call mammals. Hey, aren’t they cute? Birthday greetings go out to the cockroach! Two hundred million years old today. Boy howdy! And maybe that comet will help get rid of ’em. Now, here’s the traffic update…

TRAFFIC REPORTER (Voiceover)
We’ve got reports that a giant elephant—a Dinotherium to be exact—has popped his trunk and is jackknifed in traffic. Plus, we can expect lots of traffic at the local watering holes, as the mammal population continues to boom!

RADIO ANNOUNCER (Voiceover)
KNRG news time: 1 million B.C. And now to the sports report, live, from the Mastodome.

CHRIS BERMAN (Voiceover)
Mammals dominate the earth! Mammals dominate the earth! The big dinosaurs have been shut out. They’re back, back, back, back, back… gone! Extinct! The big dinosaurs have left the planet! The mammals have shut them out in a major planetary upset!

BILL NYE (Voiceover)
This is KNRG News Radio. Hey, let’s check out the weather report, and see if it’s gonna stay way cool outside. Willard?

WILLARD SCOTT (Voiceover)
Hey, we’re following a massive cold front extending from the Arctic region, all the way down to our planet’s mid-section. Now, we’re urging all mammals to evolve into their winter wardrobe because it’s gonna get chilly! Be sure to develop a thick, furry hide if you wanna make it. How cold it is!

BILL NYE (Voiceover)
Keep your dial tuned to KNRG for continuous news updates. KNRG news time: 900,000 B.C. Now, let’s check out what’s happening in the wild world of fashion.

FEMALE FASHION REPORTER (Voiceover)
Mammals are getting hairier. That’s right. Wooly is definitely in. Whether you’re a mammoth, or a rhino. And saber teeth seem to be a growing fad in the cat world. Also, look for antlers to be very big this year. As big as ten feet on creatures like the Megalosaurus. Wow! And that’s the latest in the fashion world.

BILL NYE (Voiceover)
Is it ever gonna warm up? Let’s find out with a look at the weather. Willard?

WILLARD SCOTT (Voiceover)
You know those giant glaciers we’ve all gotten so used to? Well, they’re gonna be receding to the North and South Poles. Conditions are looking very favorable for a whole new kind of mammal. KNRG news time: 750,000 B.C.

BILL NYE (Voiceover)
And that’s our KNRG up-to-the-minute news report. Now, back to our regularly scheduled program.

(BILL NYE appears on screen.)

BILL NYE
Now we’re exactly where we need to be. All we need now is… Ellen.

DREAM ELLEN
(Swinging in on a vine behind BILL NYE.) Bill? Bill, Bill, Bill? Oh, Bill, Bill!

BILL NYE
Ellen? (Looks behind him.) Oh, there you are!

DREAM ELLEN
Yeah, here I am. (Landing on the ground.) Hey, look—you know, it’s not that I don’t like getting attacked by a snakelike creature, it’s just—

BILL NYE
Shhh! See, we’re at the dawn of the human age. And one of our ancestors is about to make an important discovery—one that will spark the progress of civilization.

DREAM ELLEN
Let’s hope it’s deodorant…

(Cut to CAVE MAN, who yells and waves a stick atop a mountain. He gets struck by lightning and his stick catches on fire. He screams in pain and throws the fiery stick, which lights up a big fire for other CAVE PEOPLE.)

BILL NYE
See? We discovered fire! And we’re really on our way…

(Several CAVE PEOPLE gather around the fire, which leads to the development of ancient civilizations, boats, buildings, machinery, trains, farming, electricity, automobiles, and cities. Camera pans up over the clouds, where a helicopter enters carrying BILL NYE and DREAM ELLEN.)

BILL NYE
So, here we are today.

DREAM ELLEN
Thanks, Bill. You can just drop me back at Jeopardy. I think I’m ready to get back in the game and kick Judy’s big ole—

BILL NYE
But wait! To play the game, you have to know where energy comes from. You have to know where it’s gonna come from—and how to use it more wisely. You see, this is a really big story!

DREAM ELLEN
You heard the man—this is a big story! From now on, we’re dreaming in wide screen. (Screens expand.) Wider! Wider! I sound like a dentist, don’t I? Okay, everybody—rinse and spit! Just kidding—not you, sir. Thank you.

(Cut to the sun rising over a desert.)

BILL NYE
We’ll start with the sun. It’s where most of our energy comes from, and it’s at the heart of some bright ideas for tomorrow.

DREAM ELLEN
Like what, Bill Nye the Science Guy?

BILL NYE
Like solar energy! (Screens show solar energy field.) Solar mirrors are one way to convert the sun’s energy into electricity.

(BILL NYE and DREAM ELLEN appear on screen in warm-weather clothes and sunglasses.)

DREAM ELLEN
Cool! I mean, hot… I mean, coolly hot. Or hotly cool. So why don’t we just make everything solar?

BILL NYE
Ah, not so fast. For one thing, it’s not sunny enough everywhere. (Snaps fingers and sun turns to a thunderstorm.) And although the sunshine is free… (Snaps fingers again making it sunny once more.) solar electricity still isn’t that cheap. But it’s getting there.

(ELLEN experiments with snapping her fingers and causing storms, while her reflection goofs off.)

DREAM ELLEN
Okay, in the meantime, let’s just pick another category.

(Cut to wind turbines.)

BILL NYE
All right. Today, we’re using the clean energy of moving air—wind—to generate electricity.

DREAM ELLEN
Well then, why don’t we just get a bunch of wind farmers to harvest a big ole crop of wind?

BILL NYE
We’re starting to… where it’s windy. But remember, to power a whole city you need a whole lot of windmills.

DREAM ELLEN
And when the wind stops blowing—we’d be left in the dark, wouldn’t we?

(Cut to cityscape entering a blackout.)

BILL NYE
No way. We just switch to another source of energy!

(City lights come back on. Cut to a river and dam.)

DREAM ELLEN
I’m guessing this big red rock isn’t gonna give us energy when we need it.

BILL NYE
No, but this big gray wall might. It’s clean and efficient.

DREAM ELLEN
I know this one. Come on. Quiz me.

BILL NYE
Okay. Hydroelectric power plants convert the energy of falling water into electricity… (Cut to BILL NYE and DREAM ELLEN standing on top of the dam.) and are renewed by this natural resource.

(A personal raincloud dumps water on DREAM ELLEN’s head.)

DREAM ELLEN
What is rain?

BILL NYE
Correct.

DREAM ELLEN
(Wringing water out of her clothes.) So we just, uh, build more dams and our energy problems are solved.

BILL NYE
Not quite. (Voice echoing as camera zooms out further.) We’ve already used many of the best sites. And sometimes, building a dam can be pretty hard on an ecosystem.

DREAM ELLEN
Seems like there are pros and cons with every one of these. What gives?

BILL NYE
Well Ellen, there are no easy answers. (Cut to the duo back in the helicopter. DREAM ELLEN blow dries her hair.) The sun, water, geothermal steam, even wood, all contribute. Right now, these renewables provide about ten percent of the world’s energy. But we can expect them to be playing an even bigger role in the decades ahead.

DREAM ELLEN
That’s great, Bill, but we still need a heck of a lot more energy. Where is it coming from, and do you have a curling iron?

BILL NYE
Come on, I’ll show ya! (Cut to a train carrying coal.) Let’s hitch a ride with the solid fossil fuel!

DREAM ELLEN
Oh, I know this one: “What is coal?”

BILL NYE
Correct! And we’ve discovered two centuries’ worth!

DREAM ELLEN
Whoa! What about global warming?

BILL NYE
It’s a hot topic, with lots of questions. And it’s one of the big reasons scientists are working on ways to burn fuels, like coal, more efficiently than ever. (Cut to natural gas plant.) Ellen, what do you know about gas?

DREAM ELLEN
(Belch.) Well, if your stomach’s bothering you, I could get you some club soda.

BILL NYE
No!

DREAM ELLEN
Oh, you mean natural gas…

BILL NYE
It’s clean-burning. And at the rate we’re going, we’re set for about 60 years.

DREAM ELLEN
60 years? That’s only 10 more years than 50! 20 more than 40! 30 more than—

(Cut to BILL NYE and DREAM ELLEN driving through the facility.)

BILL NYE
Don’t—uh, don’t worry. We’re always finding more natural gas all the time. But we do need to use it wisely. So Ellen, how long have you been driving?

DREAM ELLEN
(Looking at her watch.) Heh, heh…

(She almost hits GAS PLANT WORKER.)

GAS PLANT WORKER
Whoa!

DREAM ELLEN
Sorry, pal. All righty. What’s next? (Cut to oil fields.) Oh! Oh! What is black gold? Texas tea. Swimmin’ pools. Movie stars. What is The Beverly Hillbillies? I mean—what is oil?

BILL NYE
Right! It’s our main source of energy, and we’ve found enough to last at least 50 years.

DREAM ELLEN
That’s all?

BILL NYE
We’re far from running on empty. And we’ve got some pretty far-out ways of finding more.

(Cut to outer space. DREAM ELLEN and BILL NYE float in astronaut suits.)

DREAM ELLEN
Wow, this is far-out.

BILL NYE
Satellites are one of the tools we use in our search for hidden deposits. But there are others.

DREAM ELLEN
Really? Ya know— (She crashes into satellite.) Oof! Uh, Houston… I think we have a problem.

BILL NYE
That is because most of the easily-reached petroleum deposits have already been tapped.

DREAM ELLEN
Helloooo?

BILL NYE
Most new discoveries will come from once inaccessible or hard-to-reach places.

(Cut to offshore oil platform.)

DREAM ELLEN
Wait just a minute—there’s oil here?

BILL NYE
Actually, the oil is buried way deep, under the ocean floor.

DREAM ELLEN
Oh. Well, then I guess we can’t get to it. So, where to next?

BILL NYE
Well hey, don’t give up! We can reach the oil with offshore drilling platforms, like this. Going in… Dive!

DREAM ELLEN
Bill?

BILL NYE
Dive!!

DREAM ELLEN
Bill?!

BILL NYE
Dive!!

DREAM ELLEN
Bill??!

(Camera pans beneath the water to show the height of the drilling platform.)

BILL NYE
Some drilling platforms are so tall, they would tower over the Empire State Building! I mean… that’s big!

(Cut to ELLEN and BILL NYE in a submarine.)

DREAM ELLEN
Oh, great. Just what our nightmare needs. A big ol’ human-munchin’, bone-crunchin’, Ellen-lunchin’ shark. Take her up, Captain! Rise! Rise! (Cut to atoms with electrons spinning around them.) Where are we now?

BILL NYE
The world of atomic power! You see, today we take atoms like these and split them apart to release energy. It’s called, fission. (Atoms begin to split.) Hang on!! Nuclear energy is expensive, and highly controversial.

(Cut to the sun.)

DREAM ELLEN
So I guess there’s never gonna be just one answer.

BILL NYE
But if we keep using our brain power, we’ll have lots of choices for the future. Maybe even unlock the power of the stars—fusion power!

DREAM ELLEN
I think I’m beginning to see the light!

(Cut to Jeopardy set.)

BILL NYE
Actually, I think it’s Double Jeopardy, Ellen.

JEOPARDY DIRECTOR
There you are! Where have you been?

DREAM ELLEN
The beginning of the universe! There were dinosaurs, and—and… and I was in the bathroom. There were no more paper towels.

JEOPARDY DIRECTOR
Yeah, right.

JEOPARDY PRODUCER (Voiceover)
Ten seconds to air! Could we get Ellen to the set, please?

ALEX TREBEK (Voiceover)
Well, you’ve been absolutely amazing so far—blowing away the opponents here.

JUDY (Voiceover)
Well, my IQ is 210.

(ELLEN returns to Jeopardy set, where ALEX TREBEK and JUDY are talking.)

ALEX TREBEK
But I’ll tell you something, Judy. The thing that really amazed me was that you and Ellen were in the same class in school!

JUDY
Yes! We were actually roommates. I used to call her Stupid Ellen.

JEOPARDY PRODUCER (Voiceover)
Five seconds!

ALEX TREBEK
Okay. (Audience applauds as show comes back from commercial.) All right, players, we’re ready to begin the second round. And Ellen, will you start us off by making a selection, please?

DREAM ELLEN
I sure will, Alex. I will take Dinosaurs for eight hundred.

JUDY
Ellen, you do know that the more expensive the question, the harder it is.

DREAM ELLEN
Oh, no, I didn’t. Lemme rethink that then. Uh, Dinosaurs for one thousand, Alex.

ALEX TREBEK
Okay. The answer is: This is when scientists believe dinosaurs first appeared on the earth. Ellen?

DREAM ELLEN
Uh, what is two hundred and twenty million years ago—give or take a day?

ALEX TREBEK
You’re absolutely right!

DREAM ELLEN
(Rattling off right answers.) What is the sun? What is hydrogen, Alex? What are photovoltaics? What is fire? Which, by the way, is what sparked the progress of human civilization, Alex. I don’t know if you knew that or not.

ALEX TREBEK
Correct again, Ellen, and amazingly enough, at the end of this Double Jeopardy round, you have managed to come from way behind to tie Judy for the lead. Well done!

DREAM ELLEN
Well, I just had to figure out how to work this little clicky thing here.

JUDY
How could she possibly learn so much during the commercial break? She’s obviously cheating!

ALEX TREBEK
Zip it, Judy. Dr. Einstein, you have no money, sir. And that means we’re going to have to say goodbye. However, we want to thank you for coming here today, and we do have some lovely parting gifts for you backstage.

DREAM ELLEN
Yep, here’s a parting gift for you right now, Al.

JOHNNY GILBERT
It’s a long-lasting, low-energy light bulb. Enjoy the efficiency!

(ALBERT EINSTEIN exits.)

ALEX TREBEK
Boy, there goes a real bundle of energy, huh? All right ladies—you will recall that our Final Jeopardy category on today’s program is: The Future of Energy. And so, if you’re ready, here’s the Final Jeopardy answer for you: This is the one source of power that will never run out. Good luck.

(Final Jeopardy music begins. DREAM ELLEN and JUDY both take their time writing answers.)

JOHNNY GILBERT (Voiceover)
If you would like to have your own energy nightmare, place a self-addressed, stamped envelope under your pillow, or check us out on the web at www.energynightmare.game.

ALEX TREBEK (Voiceover)
Will Judy remain our Jeopardy champion? Or will Ellen take the lead? We’ll know momentarily.

JOHNNY GILBERT (Voiceover)
Some contestants on Jeopardy will receive a year’s supply of energy. Energy—you make the world go ’round!

ALEX TREBEK (Voiceover)
Once again, the answer is: This is the one source of power that will never run out.

(Music comes to an end.)

ALEX TREBEK
Time’s up, players. Let’s see how well you did. Judy, we’ll start with you. You wrote down… nothing.

JUDY
That’s correct, Alex—because there is no answer.

ALEX TREBEK
Well, actually, you’re wrong. Let’s take a look at your wager. (Her wager of $17,800 appears on screen.) Oh, that’s too bad. You risked everything you had, and that means you lose $17,800 and you wind up with nothing. Let’s go down to Ellen now and see what she came up with as the response to our Final Jeopardy clue. Ellen?

DREAM ELLEN
Uh, what is brain power, Alex?

ALEX TREBEK
You are correct—and your wager? You, too, risked everything, but you double your score to $35,600—which makes you, Ellen, our new Jeopardy champion! Congratulations!

(Balloons fall on DREAM ELLEN.)

JOHNNY GILBERT (Voiceover)
Be sure to join us tomorrow, as Jeopardy dream sequence week continues.

(ELLEN appears on screen and turns off the dream behind her with a remote.)

ELLEN
So, that’s how I became an energy expert. Again, “expert” may not be the exact right word. More expert-ish. Anyway, I’ve gotta go—look out for the dinosaur! (Chuckles.) Kidding. I’m a kidder. Bye-bye now.

(ELLEN exits the screen. A loud dinosaur noise is heard in the blackout, and then the lights come up. Cast member makes exit announcement.)

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(Pre-show. Guests enter theatre and are asked by a cast member to stand. Video begins. ELLEN appears on screen.)

ELLEN
Hi, and welcome to the Universe of Energy. How are ya? No need to answer. You know, you’re probably surprised to see me here, aren’t you? But then, there’s probably a lot of places you’d be surprised to see me when you think about it. If you were driving in your car, for instance, okay? Close your eyes, you’re in your car—no, don’t close your eyes in the car—but right now, think about it. You’re in your car, you’re driving, and then all of a sudden from the back seat I just pop up and go, “Hey!!” You’d just whack me in the head, wouldn’t you? That would be—that wouldn’t be nice. But then it wouldn’t be nice for me to do that to you. How’d I get in your car, anyway? Can you—did you lock the car? Maybe it was your fault. Maybe I’m just teaching you a lesson. But the point is, to see me here, as a spokesperson for the Universe of Energy. I mean that’s… crazy. You know? I mean I’m an expert on a lot of things. You know that. I know that. But, uh, not a lot of things—a few things. But energy? I mean, there was a time I could care less about it. And then, suddenly everything changed. One day, I was sitting in my apartment… (Snaps fingers and nothing happens.) I said, I was sitting in my apartment when— (Snaps again and apartment appears. MEMORY ELLEN enters carrying a cat and sits on couch.) There it is. I’d offer you some snacks, but she—I mean I—can’t hear me. (To MEMORY ELLEN) Hey, hey, you! How about sharing some of those chips?

MEMORY ELLEN
No, you’re on a diet!

ELLEN
Me? How about you?

TV ANNOUNCER (Voiceover)
You’re watching ABC!

ELLEN
Anyhoo, I’m watching TV, and my favorite show’s about to start.

JOHNNY GILBERT (Voiceover)
This is Jeopardy!

MEMORY ELLEN
Yes!

ELLEN
Told you it was my favorite show.

(There is a knock at the door in the memory.)

MEMORY ELLEN
What is, “Who is it?”

(BILL NYE enters the apartment.)

ELLEN
And of course, no one locks their doors in New York…

BILL NYE
Hey, it’s your neighbor—Bill Nye the Science Guy.

MEMORY ELLEN
Hey, Bill Nye the Science Guy, it’s Ellen the, uh—just Ellen I guess. What can I do ya for?

BILL NYE
I’d like to borrow some aluminum foil, a clothespin, and a candle.

MEMORY ELLEN
Another hot date, huh?

BILL NYE
Actually, I’m working on a new experiment.

MEMORY ELLEN
Uh, take whatever you need. I don’t want to miss any of the game.

BILL NYE
What’re you watching?

MEMORY ELLEN
Jeopardy.

BILL NYE
Yes!

JOHNNY GILBERT (Voiceover)
And now, our returning champion, a professor of energy at Princeton University: Dr. Judy Peterson.

MEMORY ELLEN
Oh my gosh!

BILL NYE
What?

MEMORY ELLEN
It’s my old college roommate, Judy Peterson. She was such a smarty-pants know-it-all. I had the best nickname for her, though.

BILL NYE
What was that?

MEMORY ELLEN
Stupid Judy.

BILL NYE
Ellen, that makes no sense—she has a PhD!

MEMORY ELLEN
I know, but it made me feel better. So now I guess she’s some hotshot energetic professor.

BILL NYE
She’s a professor of energy!

MEMORY ELLEN
Whatever. Who cares about Stupid Judy and her stupid energy?

BILL NYE
Ellen, energy’s the most important thing in… the universe!

MEMORY ELLEN
Oh yeah, sure—take her side.

BILL NYE
I’m not taking her side—it’s just that, without energy, nothing would go, nothing would happen. I mean, there’d be… nothin’!

MEMORY ELLEN
Well, then we’d really be in jeopardy, now, wouldn’t we?

BILL NYE
Ahem! Yeah, well, what is, uh, “thanks for the supplies and, uh, see you later.”

MEMORY ELLEN
What is, “Bye-bye.”

(BILL NYE leaves the apartment.)

ALEX TREBEK (Voiceover)
It’s the Parliament of Israel.

JUDY (Voiceover)
What is the Knesset?

ALEX TREBEK (Voiceover)
Right again. Go.

MEMORY ELLEN
Right again, Judy. (To cat.) Stupid Judy. Stupid energy. (To TV.) Maybe the universe needs energy, but I don’t. I’ll take a nap for a hundred.

ELLEN
(On the phone.) Hahahaha, I know! Big piece of corn right there in the teeth, how could you not see—I’m gonna have to call you back. (Clears throat. To audience.) Now as most of you know, when someone falls asleep watching TV, that person is going to have a… what? Anyone? Anyone?

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE
Uh, crick in the neck?

MAN IN AUDIENCE
Bad hair day!

2ND WOMAN IN AUDIENCE
A dream sequence.

ELLEN
That’s right, ma’am, a dream sequence! Right. Mine was more of a nightmare, actually. And uh, let’s—actually, we should get some fog in here. Always nice to spice up a dream sequence with fog. (Fog begins to infiltrate ELLEN’s shot.) No, not in here. Over there. In the dream. (Fog moves into MEMORY ELLEN’s apartment.) Scary, huh? Ooooooh!

(Dream sequence begins on the Jeopardy set. JUDY and ALBERT EINSTEIN stand behind their podiums.)

JOHNNY GILBERT
This is Jeopardy! Now, here are today’s contestants: Dr. Judy Peterson, Dr. Albert Einstein, and finally… just Ellen. (DREAM ELLEN rushes in.) And now, here’s the host of Jeopardy—Alex Trebek!

ALEX TREBEK
Thank you, Johnny Gilbert. Hello, contestants. Welcome to our program, and good luck to you in the game. Here are the categories for the first round of play: Solar Energy, Wind Power, Energy From Water, Fossil Fuels, Fusion, and finally… Gas. Ellen, since this is your dream, we’ll let you make the first selection.

DREAM ELLEN
Alright, Alex. Uh, I will take, um—eenie meenie minie—uh, Fossil Fuels for, uh—oh, let’s go for a hundred.

ALEX TREBEK
Fine. The answer is: This was formed from microscopic plants and animals trapped in ocean floor sediments millions of years ago. Ellen?

DREAM ELLEN
Yes, I know that one. That’s uh.. that, um, is, um—what… what is… hmm… What is um, uh, stuff trapped—microscopic fuels and… and plants and… and animals, and… and—

(Buzzer indicates she is out of time.)

ALEX TREBEK
Sorry, Ellen. We were looking for something more than just an embellishment of what I had already said. Anyone else? Judy?

JUDY
What is petroleum, Alex? (Cut to JUDY answering several questions in a row.) What is bituminous?What is solar-thermal conversion? What is hydroelectric? What is helium?

(At the end of the round, JUDY’s score is $17,800, ALBERT EINSTEIN has $0, and DREAM ELLEN has -$100.)

ALEX TREBEK
And so, as we come to the end of the first round, ladies and gentlemen, Judy has a commanding lead; Ellen has her work cut out for her; and Dr. Einstein is nowhere—relatively speaking.

DREAM ELLEN
Is this a nightmare, or what?

(Bell rings indicating a correct answer, and DREAM ELLEN’s score goes up to $0.)

ALEX TREBEK
Oh, Ellen, your first correct response!

DREAM ELLEN
Wait a minute. (Snaps fingers.) Freeze! (The scene freezes.) This is my dream. I’m in control now. I can still win. I still have a chance to.

BILL NYE (Entering)
Ellen! Ellen!

DREAM ELLEN
Who is it?

BILL NYE
It’s me, Bill Nye the Science Guy.

DREAM ELLEN
Hey, I’m glad you came to help me.

BILL NYE
Actually, I came to see Einstein. Wow, you’re getting clobbered.

DREAM ELLEN
Yeah. This nightmare Jeopardy version’s a lot harder than the home version. Can you help me?

BILL NYE
Sure! But first, we have to go back.

DREAM ELLEN
Back… stage?

BILL NYE
No, no, no. Way back! Like, many billion years ago!

DREAM ELLEN
Okay, but can we stop at a minimart or something and get some snacks? ‘Cause, I have a tendency to get hungry after a couple billion years.

BILL NYE
No can do—time’s a-wastin’! Come on!

(DREAM ELLEN and BILL NYE exit toward a bright light.)

ELLEN
Wait—it’s not even over. It gets really weird from here. Now some person I don’t even know reminds me there’s no eating, drinking, smoking, or flash photography allowed in my dream.

CAST MEMBER (Ad Lib)
Ladies and gentlemen, as just a reminder, there’s no eating, drinking, smoking, or flash photography allowed in Ellen’s dream.

ELLEN
And no videotaping. Okay? And those of you who are just walking in right now—you’re late. Where have you been? I love your hair. No, not you. I mean, it’s all right, but that’s… cute. Yeah. Um, anyway, so you’re not completely lost, here’s a recap of what has been going on: I’m Ellen. Hi! I love Jeopardy; I used to not care about energy at all, until I had a nightmare that I was on Jeopardy and all the categories were about energy. Oh, don’t I know it’s scary. So my neighbor, Bill Nye, steps in, to help me out—Bill Nye the Science Guy. You know him? Anyway, so he comes in to help me out. That’s what’s going on. Got it? Good. If you don’t, then that’s your problem, because you’re late. And you think about that next time!

(Cast member makes announcement about doors opening outward and notes the 37-minute length of the show. Doors open, and guests make their way toward the Attraction.)

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