Muppet*Vision 3D (Disney’s Hollywood Studios)

Click here for pre-show transcript.

*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Guests enter from pre-show area and take seats. Curtain rises on STATLER and WALDORF, sitting in a box up above the audience.)

STATLER
Hey, Waldorf — what are we gonna see in here anyway?

WALDORF
It’s one of those 3D movies. Put on your glasses, Statler.

STATLER
Yeah.

WALDORF
Hmm.

(THEY both put on their 3D glasses.)

STATLER
Hey, hey — hey, look! Look at the guy in the Goofy mask!

WALDORF
That’s not a mask.

STATLER
Oh. Sorry, lady!

(THEY laugh.)

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. For the comfort and safety of those around you, we ask that you please refrain from flash photography and video lighting. Put on your 3D glasses as Kodak proudly presents Jim Henson’s Muppet*Vision 3D.

(PENGUIN orchestra quacks as they tune their instruments.)

WALDORF
Hey look — an orchestra of penguins!

STATLER
Yeah, probably took the job for the halibut!

(THEY laugh. ORCHESTRA begins overture of “Muppet Show Theme.” Several curtains open on screen. Eventually, final curtain opens to reveal door reading “Kermit the Frog presents Muppet*Vision 3D.” The “3D” comes toward the audience and starts dancing to the music. Door opens on GONZO, humming the “Muppet Show Theme.” KERMIT THE FROG enters.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Gonzo! Gonzo?

GONZO
What?! (Sees KERMIT and laughs sheepishly.) Oh, uh, sorry, boss. (Begins closing the door, but leaves it cracked so he can watch.)

KERMIT THE FROG
(To audience.) Hi-ho — Kermit the Frog here. And welcome to Muppet*Vision 3D. Now, let me show you around our research center. (Begins walking, and the camera follows him.) See, here in this modern, high-tech facility —

(Door opens with a crash and ironing board falls down. KERMIT screams.)

ZOOT
(Enters.) Hey! Careful!

(Iron lets off steam as KERMIT starts walking again.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh, here in this modern, high-tech facility, we have perfected “Muppet*Vision 3D” — a new film process, which we’re about to demonstrate to you. Uh, now, working the projector is an old friend of ours — the Swedish Chef. (SWEDISH CHEF can be heard humming from the back of the theatre.) Chef, everything okay?

CHEF (Swedish babble)
Hey, der hoppen-hoppen, der machinen is goin’ der fløømy-fløømy.

KERMIT THE FROG
Exactly. And our demonstration includes a little song from Miss Piggy.

(MISS PIGGY opens door behind KERMIT and peeks head out. A CHICKEN comes flying out, squawking.)

MISS PIGGY
(Clears throat.) Little?!

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh, did I say little? I meant to say it’s a huge, show-stopping, major song from Miss Piggy…?

MISS PIGGY
That’s more like it! (Exits back into door.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Good. And we’ve also got a big musical finale from Sam Eagle. (SAM EAGLE opens another door behind KERMIT and peeks his head out.) Sam, what’s it about?

SAM
It’s called “A Salute to All Nations, but Mostly America.” (Exits back into door.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Great. So it’s going to be a swell demonstration — and at no time will we be stooping to any cheap 3D tricks.

FOZZIE
(Enters.) Did you say cheap 3D tricks?

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh…

(FOZZIE blows a noisemaker twice, which comes out toward the audience.)

FOZZIE
Ahh! Oh, and here’s something I wanted to “spring” on you… (Opens a can of worms, which spring out toward the audience.) Ahh!

KERMIT THE FROG
Um…

STATLER
Uh, Waldorf, it’s that dumb bear again!

WALDORF
Yeah. (Yelling to FOZZIE.) Hey, bear — you’re not even funny in 3D!

(THEY laugh.)

FOZZIE
Oh, not you guys! How did you get here?

WALDORF
We entered a contest.

STATLER
Yeah, we lost!

(THEY laugh.)

FOZZIE
Oh, yeah? Well, my new 3D act’s gonna shower you all with humor! (Squeezes flower on HIS chest. It sprays the audience with water.) Ahh! (PENGUINS groan.) Wocka-wocka! Ahh!

STATLER
He’s trying to drown us! What kind of act is that?

WALDORF
An act of mercy!

(THEY laugh. PENGUINS quack.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh, listen — better luck next time, Fozzie. Okay? (FOZZIE exits, shaking HIS head. KERMIT starts walking again.) And now, if you’ll come this way, I can show you our secret laboratory. You see, we invited distinguished scientists from all over the world to come and work here. Unfortunately, none of them showed up. (Approaches door with signs reading “Really Top Secret,” “Muppet Vision 3D Research,” “Keep Out,” “Top Secret,” “Keep Out,” “This Means You!” Goes through the door into lab.) So instead, I’d like to introduce you to the guys who invented Muppet*Vision, and they can show you some of their — (A beam of electricity swings across the screen and almost hits KERMIT. HE screams.) Uh, right now, I’d like to turn you over to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant, Beaker.

BEAKER
Meep meep!

DR. HONEYDEW
Well, thank you, Mr. Kermit. (To audience.) Today, let’s look at the advancements we’ve been working on for Muppet*Vision. (To BEAKER.) Beaker! Would you turn on the machine?

BEAKER
Meep meep! Meep meep meep. (Pulls ripcord, which doesn’t work. Meeps with frustration. Pulls the cord again, and still nothing. More meeps. Pulls cord a third time and gets sucked into the wheel behind him. Gets spun around several times, yelling.)

DR. HONEYDEW
We at Muppet Labs have been able to grab hold of the future. (BEAKER has finally escaped the wheel behind him.) The wheels of progress turn swiftly here… (BEAKER gets hit on the head by the spinning wheel several times and screams.) as we strike upon ways to bring science safely to you. This user-friendly machine will now generate the first living 3D effect… (Jet of steam erupts in BEAKER’s face.) just by flicking a simple switch.

(DR. HONEYDEW indicates to flip the switch. BEAKER does, and sparks fly. WALDO C. GRAPHIC appears from the machine and flies around.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC:
I’m Waldo — the spirit of 3D! (Transforms into a “3D” as a fanfare plays.)

DR. HONEYDEW
Thank you, Beaker.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(To audience.) Hi there! Oh, cute outfit! Watch this… (Makes HIS nose come off and run around him in a circle.) Don’t you just hate it when your nose runs? (Laughs.) You know, all these other people think I’m talkin’ to them, but I’m really just talkin’ to you! (Sticks his nose out toward audience. Laughs. Begins flying around the room.) Wheee!

DR. HONEYDEW
Well, I think that will be just about enough of Waldo, Beaker. You may deactivate him.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
What?! What are you — Hey, watch it!

(BEAKER flips the switch again. Sparks fly, but WALDO doesn’t disappear.)

BEAKER
Meep meep meep meep!

DR. HONEYDEW
Oh, dear… He won’t deactivate!

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Bounces around the audience.) Boing! Boing!

DR. HONEYDEW
Ladies and gentlemen, there’s nothing to worry about — But please keep your heads down!

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Zonk! Boing! I’m bouncing on people’s heads! Hoo-hoo!

(BEAKER meeps in a panic.)

DR. HONEYDEW
Beaker! Beaker! Activate the Inflate-o-Matic!

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
The — why don’t you —

(BEAKER pushes on a pump, and WALDO inflates.)

DR. HONEYDEW
Hurry, Beaker! Hurry!

(BEAKER keeps pumping. WALDO gets huge and explodes into several more WALDOs.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Great! Now I can start my own football team! (Laughs, which is echoed by all the other WALDOs.)

DR. HONEYDEW
Beaker! We’ll have to try the VacuuMuppet! (BEAKER meeps in fright.) Yes. (BEAKER opens a door and giant vacuum hose emerges.) Ladies and gentlemen, for your own safety, please grasp your armrests firmly!

(Screams echo as the vacuum sucks up everything, including the screen. Suddenly, all that is left is a black screen with WALDO still on it.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Hey! I’m free! (Laughs. Whistles.) Taxi! (Transforms into a taxi.) All right! Now I’m gettin’ out of this place! (Tires screech as HE drives in a circle and then exits.)

KERMIT (Offscreen)
Uh, this way, folks. (Opens double doors and appears on screen back in the hallway from earlier.) Uh, I’m sorry, but Muppet Labs seems to have been temporarily… sucked up. But — (A flying pie making UFO noises circles his head.) Uh… now what is that?

(FOZZIE enters with a remote control.)

FOZZIE
Hey, Kermit — see, it’s my new remote-controlled banana cream pie! Huh? Huh?

KERMIT THE FROG
Yeah…

FOZZIE
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Kermit — watch this!

KERMIT THE FROG
What? Uh-oh.

(FOZZIE hits a button and the remote control’s antenna droops. Sound of the motor dying. The pie spins in place and hits FOZZIE in the face.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Eeee, Fozzie, that’s terrible.

FOZZIE
(Tastes the pie.) You’re right… Needs more sugar. (Laughs and exits.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Huh… And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the first musical portion of our demonstration, we have Miss Piggy in a wonderful 3D number. (The frame closes in on HIM as it transitions. HE opens it again.) Um, uh, that’s you, penguins.

(Image on screen transitions to garden. PENGUINS quack as they begin to play.)

PENGUINS
Oh! Oh!

WALDORF
Oh, doesn’t that look beautiful?

STATLER
Yeah… Too bad they’re gonna spoil it with a pig.

(THEY laugh and then shush each other.)

MISS PIGGY
La la la la la la.
Sun shining bright above you,
Soft breezes seem to whisper, “I love you.”

(BEAN BUNNY enters behind MISS PIGGY, with a butterfly puppet on a stick. HE hums along to her song.)

MISS PIGGY
Birds singing in the sycamore tree,
Dream a little dream of me.

(BEAN has put the butterfly in front of MISS PIGGY. SHE grunts and kicks him aside. HE screams and splashes in the water.)

MISS PIGGY
(Clears throat.)
Look in my eyes and kiss me…

(BEAN flies a bee puppet in front of MISS PIGGY and buzzes loudly.)

MISS PIGGY
Just hold me tight, and tell me you miss me…

(PENGUIN VIOLINIST stands up and plays “Flight of the Bumblebee” over the top of MISS PIGGY singing.)

MISS PIGGY
While I’m alone and blue as can be,
Dream a little dream of me.

(The last line is growled as MISS PIGGY grabs a fly swatter and uses it to smack the bee puppet.)

BEAN BUNNY
Awww… (He sulks off.)

MISS PIGGY
No troubles, as life bubbles on, dear…

(BEAN reappears, holding a bubble wand. He blows bubbles, which float out into the audience.)

MISS PIGGY
Still craving your kiss.
All right, that’s it! (To orchestra.) Knock it off, penguins!

BEAN BUNNY
Aw, but it was going so well!

MISS PIGGY
I will not work with that — that rabbit!

(Music cuts out.)

BEAN BUNNY
But I was just doing 3D! Guess I won’t be needing this. (Holds up a pole attached to a rope.)

MISS PIGGY
(Takes the pole.) What’s that?

BEAN BUNNY
It was for the big waterskiing finale.

MISS PIGGY
What?

(Boat motor revs and MISS PIGGY is pulled offscreen. BEAN chuckles. SAM EAGLE appears behind him.)

SAM EAGLE
Bean Bunny, what are you doing?!

BEAN BUNNY
What do you mean?

SAM EAGLE
You are ruining this film!

BEAN BUNNY
I was just trying to help!

SAM EAGLE
Get out! Get out!

BEAN BUNNY
I didn’t mean anything!

SAM EAGLE
Go away! Go away!!

(Camera follows BEAN BUNNY as he exits through a door in the backdrop. HE is in the black screen. WALDO enters, still as a taxi cab.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Does anybody know the way out of this film? (To BEAN.) Hey, you got a map down there? (Transforms back to his normal self.)

BEAN BUNNY
Well, you can come with me if you’d like. I just got fired, and I’m running away.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Transforms into a bindle.) Terrific! Let’s go!

BEAN BUNNY
Okay.

(GONZO enters.)

GONZO
Hey, Bean, what’s up?

BEAN BUNNY
I’m goin’ away. Forever. (Walks toward the back of the screen.)

GONZA
Oh, great! Could you get me a sandwich? (To audience.) Would any of you people like anything? (BEAN opens a door at the back of the screen and exits.) I mean, since he’s going out, he could — FOREVER?! Bean?! Bean?! Oh, Kermit! Kermit!! (Exits.)

(SWEETUMS enters, playing with a paddle ball and humming to himself. FOZZIE enters.)

FOZZIE
Hey, Sweetums! That’s a great effect!

SWEETUMS
Yeah, hey! (Exits.)

GONZO
(Enters and sees KERMIT entering from the other side.) Hey, Fozzie, Kermit!

KERMIT THE FROG
What is it?

GONZO
Bean Bunny ran away!

(MISS PIGGY enters behind them, sopping wet and wrapped in a towel.)

FOZZIE
Oh, no!

GONZO
Yes!

MISS PIGGY
Good riddance! (Exits, grumbling.)

FOZZIE
Hey, hey, hey — We gotta find him!

GONZO
I know!

KERMIT THE FROG
All right, everybody spread out and look for Bean!

GONZO
I’ll go this way. (Exits.)

(FOZZIE wanders around behind KERMIT, occasionally yelling “Bean!”)

KERMIT THE FROG
(To audience.) Uh, Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll continue the show in just a moment, but in the meantime, if you see a rabbit, holler.

(KERMIT, FOZZIE, and GONZO walk around on screen, looking for BEAN and yelling his name.)

SWEETUMS
Bunny! Oh, Bunny! Where are ya? Bunny! (Enters in front of the stage and walks across the audience.) Bunny!

WALDORF
Hey, what’s all the commotion about?

SWEETUMS
Bunny ran away.

WALDORF
Well you know what that makes him?

STATLER AND WALDORF
Smarter than us! (Laugh.)

SWEETUMS
(To audience.) Hey, anybody seen a bunny?

(BEAN’s ears appear in the box opposite STATLER and WALDORF.)

AUDIENCE MEMBER
I see one!

SWEETUMS
I don’t see a bunny.

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Turn around!

SWEETUMS
Where?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
There!

SWEETUMS
Where?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Look up there!

SWEETUMS
(Shines his flashlight up toward BEAN.) Aw, nothin’ up there but a bunny. A bunny?! Bean!

BEAN BUNNY
Hi Sweetums.

SWEETUMS
Hey, Kermit, look!

(KERMIT appears on screen and sees SWEETUMS’ light shining on BEAN.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Huh? (FOZZIE and GONZO enter behind him.) Bean! What are you doing out there?

BEAN BUNNY
I’m runnin’ away. Nobody would let me help with the movie.

KERMIT, GONZO, AND FOZZIE
Awwww…

STATLER
This is a very moving moment.

WALDORF
Yeah… I wish they’d move it to Pittsburgh.

(Door opens on screen and WALDO enters.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Hey Bean — what are we doing stickin’ around here? Let’s burn rubber! (HIS feet turn into wheels, which burn rubber in place.)

FOZZIE
Who’s that?

BEAN BUNNY
He’s Waldo — my 3D friend. And we’re both leaving the movie.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Yeah!

GONZO
Bu-bu-but Bean — if you leave, you’ll miss all the fireworks!

FOZZIE AND KERMIT
Right, yeah, etc.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Fireworks? Whoa!

BEAN BUNNY
Okay, I’ll stay… but I wanna help.

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh… gee, is there anything Bean can do in the final number?

GONZO
Hmm.

FOZZIE
Oh, gosh, maybe — maybe — maybe Bean could set off the fireworks!

GONZO
Oh, that’s cool!

BEAN BUNNY
That sounds great!

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Yeah, and I’ll stay and help! Hoo hoo hoo! I love fireworks. Hoo hoo hoo hoo! (Pulls out two sparklers and laughs.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Well, okay… Sam! Are you about ready?

(SAM EAGLE pokes his head through door at the back of the screen.)

SAM EAGLE
Yes, it’s a glorious three-hour finale.

KERMIT THE FROG
You got a minute-and-a-half.

(SAM gasps and disappears.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Okay, everybody, get ready!

FOZZIE AND GONZO
Yeah, right, right, etc.

KERMIT THE FROG
(To audience.) Ladies and gentlemen, the Muppets proudly present the final demonstration of Muppet*Vision 3D!

(KERMIT exits as we dissolve to three SOLDIERS. Center SOLDIER drums, while others wave flags. More SOLDIERS march in and fill in several lines. SOLDIER BAND plays brass instruments in fanfare. SOLDIERS begin to play a medley of patriotic marches. WALDO appears, dressed as Drum Major. HE bounces on the SOLDIERS and causes the TUBA PLAYER to fall and drop his instrument bell on top of his head.)

TUBA PLAYER
Where am I? Coming through!

(TUBA PLAYER tries to move, but is still stuck inside the tuba. HE crashes into several other FLAG WAVERS. SAM EAGLE appears.)

SAM EAGLE
What are you doing? Get back into place!

(BAND MEMBERS vaguely sing “It’s a Small World” behind the action.)

TUBA PLAYER
Who, me?

(The BAND begins setting off cannons and rifles during the “1812 Overture” section. TUBA PLAYER continues wandering around and running into to people.)

TUBA PLAYER
Where’s the tuba section? Oh boy… (Cannon fire startles him.) Whoa! Is it over yet? (Music transitions to “Stars and Stripes Forever.” HE gets trampled by several people marching.) Can we start again? Sorry!

(BEAN BUNNY appears in his box with the fireworks plunger.)

SAM EAGLE
Bean, the fireworks!

BEAN BUNNY
Rockets away! (Presses the plunger.)

(Fireworks appear on screen. WALDO flies in and looks back at them.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Whoa, hey! Wow! (Turns himself into a rocket and shoots himself off.) Weee!

STATLER
Ooh! Ahh! Oh!

WALDORF
Enjoying the fireworks?

STATLER
No, your chair’s on my foot!

WALDORF
Ooh, sorry…

(MISS PIGGY appears on screen dressed as the Statue of Liberty. We zoom out to see the mayhem being caused at her feet by the rampaging TUBA PLAYER and the rest of the SOLDIERS. WALDO appears, still in rocket form.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Laughs.) Watch this!

(WALDO flies in circles around MISS PIGGY, who screams. WALDO tears HER dress, and the skirt falls down. SHE screams more. WALDO laughs and crashes to the ground.)

SWEETUMS
Stop the movie! Stop the movie, Chef! (Appears out front with a bucket.) Hey, Chef, can’t ya hear me? Stop the projector!

MISS PIGGY
You’ll hear from my lawyer!

SWEETUMS
I’ll save ya, penguins! (Tries to throw the bucket on them and misses, hitting MISS PIGGY instead. Noise as PENGUINS rise from orchestra pit with a cannon.) Take it easy! I’m sorry! Oh, no, wait! Don’t shoot! Duck, everybody, duck! (WALDO turns into a duck and quacks.) No, not you — them! Look out!

(The cannon fires and hits the projector. The movie goes wobbly and cuts to white.)

SWEDISH CHEF (Swedish babble)
Hey der stüpid crazy birdsy!

(As the screen goes all the way white, WALDO appears.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
At last, I’m out of this silly film!

(SWEDISH CHEF fires a musket toward WALDO from the back of the house and babbles.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Hey, what are you shootin’ at me for? It was the penguins! (More shots barely miss him and hit the screen.) Hey watch it, will ya?

(SWEDISH CHEF continues to babble. WALDO transforms into a bullseye.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Taunts.) Na-na-na-na-na-na! You couldn’t hit me with a… (HIS eyes go big as he sees SWEDISH CHEF with a cannon.) cannon?! Hey, everybody! He’s got a cannon!!

(STATLER and WALDORF duck. SWEDISH CHEF babbles and fires. WALDO screams. The screen explodes. As the dust starts to settle, SWEETUMS appears in front of the screen.)

SWEETUMS
Everyone okay in here?

(STATLER and WALDORF wave white flags from their box.)

STATLER AND WALDORF
We surrender! We surrender!

(The sound of a fire engine dinging can be heard.)

SWEETUMS
What an explosion!

(The screen now has an enormous hole in it, which looks out the back of the theatre. Other GUESTS look through the hole, confused and worried. KERMIT rides through the hole on the back of a fire engine.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh — well, uh, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to apologize for our slight, uh, technical difficulties. But I do wish to assure you that no one was hurt, and, uh, this theatre suffered only minor damage. So… thank you very much for coming to see this demonstration of Muppet*Vision technology. And enjoy the rest of your stay, and come see us again sometime!

(The fire engine backs up as the curtain falls on the screen. WALDO appears in front of the curtain.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Laughs and transforms into MICKEY MOUSE.) They’ll never recognize me now! Forward, huh!

(Sound of a vacuum is heard. WALDO transforms back into himself and is sucked back behind the curtain.)

BEAN BUNNY
Huh, what a cute ending! (Curtain closes on his box.)

STATLER
Well, what do you think?

WALDORF
Do we have time to go to the bathroom before the next show?

STATLER
We can’t, you old fool! We’re bolted to the seats!

(THEY laugh as the curtain closes on their box. End of show.)

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