(Pre-show. Guests enter theatre and are asked by a cast member to stand. Video begins. ELLEN appears on screen.)
ELLEN
Hi, and welcome to the Universe of Energy. How are ya? No need to answer. You know, you’re probably surprised to see me here, aren’t you? But then, there’s probably a lot of places you’d be surprised to see me when you think about it. If you were driving in your car, for instance, okay? Close your eyes, you’re in your car—no, don’t close your eyes in the car—but right now, think about it. You’re in your car, you’re driving, and then all of a sudden from the back seat I just pop up and go, “Hey!!” You’d just whack me in the head, wouldn’t you? That would be—that wouldn’t be nice. But then it wouldn’t be nice for me to do that to you. How’d I get in your car, anyway? Can you—did you lock the car? Maybe it was your fault. Maybe I’m just teaching you a lesson. But the point is, to see me here, as a spokesperson for the Universe of Energy. I mean that’s… crazy. You know? I mean I’m an expert on a lot of things. You know that. I know that. But, uh, not a lot of things—a few things. But energy? I mean, there was a time I could care less about it. And then, suddenly everything changed. One day, I was sitting in my apartment… (Snaps fingers and nothing happens.) I said, I was sitting in my apartment when— (Snaps again and apartment appears. MEMORY ELLEN enters carrying a cat and sits on couch.) There it is. I’d offer you some snacks, but she—I mean I—can’t hear me. (To MEMORY ELLEN) Hey, hey, you! How about sharing some of those chips?
MEMORY ELLEN
No, you’re on a diet!
ELLEN
Me? How about you?
TV ANNOUNCER (Voiceover)
You’re watching ABC!
ELLEN
Anyhoo, I’m watching TV, and my favorite show’s about to start.
JOHNNY GILBERT (Voiceover)
This is Jeopardy!
MEMORY ELLEN
Yes!
ELLEN
Told you it was my favorite show.
(There is a knock at the door in the memory.)
MEMORY ELLEN
What is, “Who is it?”
(BILL NYE enters the apartment.)
ELLEN
And of course, no one locks their doors in New York…
BILL NYE
Hey, it’s your neighbor—Bill Nye the Science Guy.
MEMORY ELLEN
Hey, Bill Nye the Science Guy, it’s Ellen the, uh—just Ellen I guess. What can I do ya for?
BILL NYE
I’d like to borrow some aluminum foil, a clothespin, and a candle.
MEMORY ELLEN
Another hot date, huh?
BILL NYE
Actually, I’m working on a new experiment.
MEMORY ELLEN
Uh, take whatever you need. I don’t want to miss any of the game.
BILL NYE
What’re you watching?
MEMORY ELLEN
Jeopardy.
BILL NYE
Yes!
JOHNNY GILBERT (Voiceover)
And now, our returning champion, a professor of energy at Princeton University: Dr. Judy Peterson.
MEMORY ELLEN
Oh my gosh!
BILL NYE
What?
MEMORY ELLEN
It’s my old college roommate, Judy Peterson. She was such a smarty-pants know-it-all. I had the best nickname for her, though.
BILL NYE
What was that?
MEMORY ELLEN
Stupid Judy.
BILL NYE
Ellen, that makes no sense—she has a PhD!
MEMORY ELLEN
I know, but it made me feel better. So now I guess she’s some hotshot energetic professor.
BILL NYE
She’s a professor of energy!
MEMORY ELLEN
Whatever. Who cares about Stupid Judy and her stupid energy?
BILL NYE
Ellen, energy’s the most important thing in… the universe!
MEMORY ELLEN
Oh yeah, sure—take her side.
BILL NYE
I’m not taking her side—it’s just that, without energy, nothing would go, nothing would happen. I mean, there’d be… nothin’!
MEMORY ELLEN
Well, then we’d really be in jeopardy, now, wouldn’t we?
BILL NYE
Ahem! Yeah, well, what is, uh, “thanks for the supplies and, uh, see you later.”
MEMORY ELLEN
What is, “Bye-bye.”
(BILL NYE leaves the apartment.)
ALEX TREBEK (Voiceover)
It’s the Parliament of Israel.
JUDY (Voiceover)
What is the Knesset?
ALEX TREBEK (Voiceover)
Right again. Go.
MEMORY ELLEN
Right again, Judy. (To cat.) Stupid Judy. Stupid energy. (To TV.) Maybe the universe needs energy, but I don’t. I’ll take a nap for a hundred.
ELLEN
(On the phone.) Hahahaha, I know! Big piece of corn right there in the teeth, how could you not see—I’m gonna have to call you back. (Clears throat. To audience.) Now as most of you know, when someone falls asleep watching TV, that person is going to have a… what? Anyone? Anyone?
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE
Uh, crick in the neck?
MAN IN AUDIENCE
Bad hair day!
2ND WOMAN IN AUDIENCE
A dream sequence.
ELLEN
That’s right, ma’am, a dream sequence! Right. Mine was more of a nightmare, actually. And uh, let’s—actually, we should get some fog in here. Always nice to spice up a dream sequence with fog. (Fog begins to infiltrate ELLEN’s shot.) No, not in here. Over there. In the dream. (Fog moves into MEMORY ELLEN’s apartment.) Scary, huh? Ooooooh!
(Dream sequence begins on the Jeopardy set. JUDY and ALBERT EINSTEIN stand behind their podiums.)
JOHNNY GILBERT
This is Jeopardy! Now, here are today’s contestants: Dr. Judy Peterson, Dr. Albert Einstein, and finally… just Ellen. (DREAM ELLEN rushes in.) And now, here’s the host of Jeopardy—Alex Trebek!
ALEX TREBEK
Thank you, Johnny Gilbert. Hello, contestants. Welcome to our program, and good luck to you in the game. Here are the categories for the first round of play: Solar Energy, Wind Power, Energy From Water, Fossil Fuels, Fusion, and finally… Gas. Ellen, since this is your dream, we’ll let you make the first selection.
DREAM ELLEN
Alright, Alex. Uh, I will take, um—eenie meenie minie—uh, Fossil Fuels for, uh—oh, let’s go for a hundred.
ALEX TREBEK
Fine. The answer is: This was formed from microscopic plants and animals trapped in ocean floor sediments millions of years ago. Ellen?
DREAM ELLEN
Yes, I know that one. That’s uh.. that, um, is, um—what… what is… hmm… What is um, uh, stuff trapped—microscopic fuels and… and plants and… and animals, and… and—
(Buzzer indicates she is out of time.)
ALEX TREBEK
Sorry, Ellen. We were looking for something more than just an embellishment of what I had already said. Anyone else? Judy?
JUDY
What is petroleum, Alex? (Cut to JUDY answering several questions in a row.) What is bituminous?What is solar-thermal conversion? What is hydroelectric? What is helium?
(At the end of the round, JUDY’s score is $17,800, ALBERT EINSTEIN has $0, and DREAM ELLEN has -$100.)
ALEX TREBEK
And so, as we come to the end of the first round, ladies and gentlemen, Judy has a commanding lead; Ellen has her work cut out for her; and Dr. Einstein is nowhere—relatively speaking.
DREAM ELLEN
Is this a nightmare, or what?
(Bell rings indicating a correct answer, and DREAM ELLEN’s score goes up to $0.)
ALEX TREBEK
Oh, Ellen, your first correct response!
DREAM ELLEN
Wait a minute. (Snaps fingers.) Freeze! (The scene freezes.) This is my dream. I’m in control now. I can still win. I still have a chance to.
BILL NYE (Entering)
Ellen! Ellen!
DREAM ELLEN
Who is it?
BILL NYE
It’s me, Bill Nye the Science Guy.
DREAM ELLEN
Hey, I’m glad you came to help me.
BILL NYE
Actually, I came to see Einstein. Wow, you’re getting clobbered.
DREAM ELLEN
Yeah. This nightmare Jeopardy version’s a lot harder than the home version. Can you help me?
BILL NYE
Sure! But first, we have to go back.
DREAM ELLEN
Back… stage?
BILL NYE
No, no, no. Way back! Like, many billion years ago!
DREAM ELLEN
Okay, but can we stop at a minimart or something and get some snacks? ‘Cause, I have a tendency to get hungry after a couple billion years.
BILL NYE
No can do—time’s a-wastin’! Come on!
(DREAM ELLEN and BILL NYE exit toward a bright light.)
ELLEN
Wait—it’s not even over. It gets really weird from here. Now some person I don’t even know reminds me there’s no eating, drinking, smoking, or flash photography allowed in my dream.
CAST MEMBER (Ad Lib)
Ladies and gentlemen, as just a reminder, there’s no eating, drinking, smoking, or flash photography allowed in Ellen’s dream.
ELLEN
And no videotaping. Okay? And those of you who are just walking in right now—you’re late. Where have you been? I love your hair. No, not you. I mean, it’s all right, but that’s… cute. Yeah. Um, anyway, so you’re not completely lost, here’s a recap of what has been going on: I’m Ellen. Hi! I love Jeopardy; I used to not care about energy at all, until I had a nightmare that I was on Jeopardy and all the categories were about energy. Oh, don’t I know it’s scary. So my neighbor, Bill Nye, steps in, to help me out—Bill Nye the Science Guy. You know him? Anyway, so he comes in to help me out. That’s what’s going on. Got it? Good. If you don’t, then that’s your problem, because you’re late. And you think about that next time!
(Cast member makes announcement about doors opening outward and notes the 37-minute length of the show. Doors open, and guests make their way toward the Attraction.)
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