Country Bear Jamboree (Magic Kingdom)

*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Lights up on BUFF, MELVYN, and MAX)

BUFF
(Whistles.) Hey, Henry, what’s holdin’ ya up? Let’s get on with the show!

MAX
Now, Buff, be patient.

MELVYN
Yeah, we ain’t goin’ anywhere anyhow. We’re kind of hung up here! (Laughs.)

(GOMER has appeared on stage at the piano.)

HENRY (Offstage)
Gimme a little intro there, Gomer.

(GOMER starts playing the piano. Stage left curtain opens to reveal HENRY.)

HENRY
Howdy folks! Welcome to the one and only, original, Country Bear Jamboree — featuring a bit of Americana, our musical heritage of the past. And right now, I give you a sordid assortment of executioners of music and song. The Five Bear Rugs… Hit it boys!

(Center curtain opens to reveal FIVE BEAR RUGS playing instruments. Little OSCAR sits on the edge of the stage, clutching his teddy bear. GOMER and his piano exit into the stage.)

HENRY
The Bear Band bears will play now,

In the good ol’ key of G.
Zeke and Zeb and Ted and Fred,
And a bear named Tennessee.

Zeke’s a-twangin’ on the banjo,
And a-tappin’ with his feet.
A-bangin’ on a dishpan,
With a real ol’ country beat.

(ZEKE takes a solo.)

HENRY
Zeb’s a-sawin’ on the fiddle

With a crooked hickory bow.
When the spirit moves that bruin,
He can make that fiddle go.

(ZEB takes a solo.)

HENRY
Brother Ted is on the corn jug —

Now, I mean, that bear can blow!
He also plays the washboard
With a handle of a hoe.

(TED takes a solo.)

HENRY
And big Fred’s playin’ mouth harp.

He plays it kinda sad.
He never took a lesson;
He just picked it up from Dad.

(FRED takes a solo.)

HENRY
And li’l ol’ Tennessee Bear

Is a-featured on the thing.
Sounds just like a guitar,
But it’s only got one string.

(TENESSEE takes a solo.)

HENRY
So clap your hands,

And stomp your feet,
And try to keep right with ’em.
One sure thing the Bear Band’s got
Is real ol’ country rhythm.

Ah ha!

(OSCAR squeezes his teddy bear, which squeaks. Curtain opens stage right to reveal ERNEST, “The Dude,” playing the fiddle.)

ERNEST
One night, I left the wife at home,
And I went out with the boys.
I was acting like a Don Juan,
And making a lot of noise.

ZEKE
Tell ’em, lover boy!

ERNEST
A go-go girl caught my hand,
I said, “I can’t. I’m a married man.”
She said “If you ain’t gonna steal,
You better not prowl.”

ZEB
He’s a born loser!

ERNEST
Don’t do-si-do with a go-go.
If you can’t bite, don’t growl.
If you can’t bite, don’t growl.

(Curtain closes on ERNEST. Curtain opens on HENRY.)

HENRY
And now, a heart-renderin’ ditty, by our old growler of song — Liver Lips McGrowl! Sing it, Mac!

(Curtain opens on LIVER LIPS.)

LIVER LIPS
I got a woman, she’s got me.
Whatever we do, we both agree.
She ain’t purty, but I ain’t too.
The things we like are the things we do.

My woman ain’t purty, but she don’t swear none.
She’s kinda heavy — don’t weigh a ton.
She’s my woman, through and through.
I love her only, ’cause my heart is true.

(Curtain closes on LIVER LIPS. Curtain opens center to reveal barnyard backdrop. WENDELL rises downstage left.)

WENDELL AND HENRY
Mama, don’t whup little Buford.
Mama, don’t pound on his head.
Mama, don’t whup little Buford…
I think you should shoot him instead.

HENRY
Bang!

(WENDELL laughs.)

HENRY
Yes, folks, we only have high-class stuff on this show. And now, here’s a special treat out of Tampa — our own Trixie!

(Curtain opens to reveal TRIXIE. GOMER plays the piano.)

TRIXIE
Tears will be the chaser for your wine
After you leave this love of mine.
Bright lights and taverns,
That’s where you’ll spend your time.
And tears will the be chaser for your wine.

(Curtain closes on TRIXIE. Another curtain opens on TERRENCE.)

TERRENCE
How long is forever?
How soon is now or never?
How long will these heartaches linger on?
And how long will my baby be gone?

(Lights flash as drums sound. Blackout on TERRENCE. Lights up on HENRY.)

HENRY
(Chuckles. Clears throat.) And now, here they come — those little Sun Bonnets from the sunshine state, Bunny, Bubbles, and Buelah!

(The SUN BONNETS rise up center stage. Slides projected behind them show animation and lyrics.)

SUN BONNETS
Every time I meet a guy who gets me shook,
All I ever get from him’s a dirty look.
It’s the same way everywhere, I’ve found.
All the guys that turn me on turn me down.

All the guys that turn me on turn me down.
Nothing works for me that I’ve found.
It’s the same way everywhere, I see.
Nothing ever seems to work for me.

Doodle doodle doodle do,
Bum bum!

(Blackout. Curtain opens on HENRY.)

HENRY
My, my. Well, here she is — that delightful, delicate, dedicated, and dimpled darling of the Dakotas. Last of the big time swingers: Swingin’ Teddi Barra!

(TEDDI BARRA swings down from above.)

TEDDI BARRA
Well, there he goes.
He hardly knows
The heart he’s breaking.

MAX
Lovely, lovely.

TEDDI BARRA
I talked to him,
But I don’t think
He understood.

BUFF
Aw, sing it gal!

TEDDI BARRA
Oh, just forget
About the plans
That we were makin’.

HENRY
My, my.

TEDDI BARRA
Heart, we did all that we could.

(Music continues as TEDDI BARRA’s swing starts to rise.)

TEDDI BARRA
Y’all come up and see me some time, ya hear?!

HENRY
Yeah! Soon as I find a ladder, I’ll be right up! Mm-hmm!

(Out of tune note sounds and a spotlight shines on the curtain stage right. It opens to reveal BIG AL.)

BIG AL
There was blood on the saddle,
And blood all around,
And a great big puddle
Of blood on the ground.

Heh-heh-heh.

(Blackout. Curtain stage left opens on HENRY. This time he has SAMMY the raccoon as his hat.)

HENRY
Born on a mountain top in Tennessee —
Greenest state in the land of the free.
Raised in the woods, so’s he knew every tree.
Tamed him a “bar” when he was only three.

HENRY AND SAMMY
Davy, Davy Crockett. King of the wild frontier. 

Off in the woods, he’s a-marchin’ along.
Making up yarns, and a-singing his song.
Itchin’ for fighting, and righting a wrong…

(During the second verse, the curtain opens again on BIG AL, who continues to sing “Blood on the Saddle” over HENRY and SAMMY’s performance.)

BIG AL
Blood on the saddle…

HENRY
Hey, wait a minute! Hold the phone down there, you’ve had your turn now!

BIG AL
And blood all around…

SAMMY
Henry, Henry! We need help!

HENRY
Right, Sammy! Hey, gang — hit it!

(All the curtains open again to reveal the whole cast of BEARS. They sing over BIG AL, who continues to sing “Blood on the Saddle.”)

BEARS
Yee-haw, etc!

ENSEMBLE
High on the mountain,
Tell me what do you see?
Bear tracks, bear tracks,
Looking back at me.

Better get your rifles,
Before it’s too late.
Bear’s got a little big,
And he’s headed through the gate.

He’s big around the middle,
And he’s broad across the rump.
Running ninety miles an hour,
Making 30 feet a jump.

He’s never been cornered,
And he’s never been treed.
Some folks say he looks a lot like me.

(Curtains close and lots of crashing sounds are heard. Lights up on the three busts, who laugh. Lights back up on HENRY and SAMMY.)

HENRY
Well, as you can see, we’re just one big, happy family. (Clears throat.) Well folks, this concludes our show. So thanks for bearing with us to the bear end. What do you say Sammy?

SAMMY
I say, you all come back, ya hear?

HENRY, SAMMY, BUFF, MELVYN, AND MAX
We hope that you’ll be coming back again.
That you’ll drop in and see us now and then.
We’ve done our very best to please
With just the “bear” necessities.
We hope that you’ll be coming back again.

Come again.
Come again.

MELVYN
The welcome mat is always out,
‘Cause seeing you is fine.

BUFF, MELVYN, AND MAX
We hope that you’ll be coming back again.

MAX
Don’t forget to gather your belongings…

MELVYN
And your husband too!

MAX
It’s been good to have you.

BUFF
So long folks!

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