Muppet*Vision 3D (Disney’s Hollywood Studios)

Click here for pre-show transcript.

*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Guests enter from pre-show area and take seats. Curtain rises on STATLER and WALDORF, sitting in a box up above the audience.)

STATLER
Hey, Waldorf — what are we gonna see in here anyway?

WALDORF
It’s one of those 3D movies. Put on your glasses, Statler.

STATLER
Yeah.

WALDORF
Hmm.

(THEY both put on their 3D glasses.)

STATLER
Hey, hey — hey, look! Look at the guy in the Goofy mask!

WALDORF
That’s not a mask.

STATLER
Oh. Sorry, lady!

(THEY laugh.)

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. For the comfort and safety of those around you, we ask that you please refrain from flash photography and video lighting. Put on your 3D glasses as Kodak proudly presents Jim Henson’s Muppet*Vision 3D.

(PENGUIN orchestra quacks as they tune their instruments.)

WALDORF
Hey look — an orchestra of penguins!

STATLER
Yeah, probably took the job for the halibut!

(THEY laugh. ORCHESTRA begins overture of “Muppet Show Theme.” Several curtains open on screen. Eventually, final curtain opens to reveal door reading “Kermit the Frog presents Muppet*Vision 3D.” The “3D” comes toward the audience and starts dancing to the music. Door opens on GONZO, humming the “Muppet Show Theme.” KERMIT THE FROG enters.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Gonzo! Gonzo?

GONZO
What?! (Sees KERMIT and laughs sheepishly.) Oh, uh, sorry, boss. (Begins closing the door, but leaves it cracked so he can watch.)

KERMIT THE FROG
(To audience.) Hi-ho — Kermit the Frog here. And welcome to Muppet*Vision 3D. Now, let me show you around our research center. (Begins walking, and the camera follows him.) See, here in this modern, high-tech facility —

(Door opens with a crash and ironing board falls down. KERMIT screams.)

ZOOT
(Enters.) Hey! Careful!

(Iron lets off steam as KERMIT starts walking again.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh, here in this modern, high-tech facility, we have perfected “Muppet*Vision 3D” — a new film process, which we’re about to demonstrate to you. Uh, now, working the projector is an old friend of ours — the Swedish Chef. (SWEDISH CHEF can be heard humming from the back of the theatre.) Chef, everything okay?

CHEF (Swedish babble)
Hey, der hoppen-hoppen, der machinen is goin’ der fløømy-fløømy.

KERMIT THE FROG
Exactly. And our demonstration includes a little song from Miss Piggy.

(MISS PIGGY opens door behind KERMIT and peeks head out. A CHICKEN comes flying out, squawking.)

MISS PIGGY
(Clears throat.) Little?!

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh, did I say little? I meant to say it’s a huge, show-stopping, major song from Miss Piggy…?

MISS PIGGY
That’s more like it! (Exits back into door.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Good. And we’ve also got a big musical finale from Sam Eagle. (SAM EAGLE opens another door behind KERMIT and peeks his head out.) Sam, what’s it about?

SAM
It’s called “A Salute to All Nations, but Mostly America.” (Exits back into door.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Great. So it’s going to be a swell demonstration — and at no time will we be stooping to any cheap 3D tricks.

FOZZIE
(Enters.) Did you say cheap 3D tricks?

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh…

(FOZZIE blows a noisemaker twice, which comes out toward the audience.)

FOZZIE
Ahh! Oh, and here’s something I wanted to “spring” on you… (Opens a can of worms, which spring out toward the audience.) Ahh!

KERMIT THE FROG
Um…

STATLER
Uh, Waldorf, it’s that dumb bear again!

WALDORF
Yeah. (Yelling to FOZZIE.) Hey, bear — you’re not even funny in 3D!

(THEY laugh.)

FOZZIE
Oh, not you guys! How did you get here?

WALDORF
We entered a contest.

STATLER
Yeah, we lost!

(THEY laugh.)

FOZZIE
Oh, yeah? Well, my new 3D act’s gonna shower you all with humor! (Squeezes flower on HIS chest. It sprays the audience with water.) Ahh! (PENGUINS groan.) Wocka-wocka! Ahh!

STATLER
He’s trying to drown us! What kind of act is that?

WALDORF
An act of mercy!

(THEY laugh. PENGUINS quack.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh, listen — better luck next time, Fozzie. Okay? (FOZZIE exits, shaking HIS head. KERMIT starts walking again.) And now, if you’ll come this way, I can show you our secret laboratory. You see, we invited distinguished scientists from all over the world to come and work here. Unfortunately, none of them showed up. (Approaches door with signs reading “Really Top Secret,” “Muppet Vision 3D Research,” “Keep Out,” “Top Secret,” “Keep Out,” “This Means You!” Goes through the door into lab.) So instead, I’d like to introduce you to the guys who invented Muppet*Vision, and they can show you some of their — (A beam of electricity swings across the screen and almost hits KERMIT. HE screams.) Uh, right now, I’d like to turn you over to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant, Beaker.

BEAKER
Meep meep!

DR. HONEYDEW
Well, thank you, Mr. Kermit. (To audience.) Today, let’s look at the advancements we’ve been working on for Muppet*Vision. (To BEAKER.) Beaker! Would you turn on the machine?

BEAKER
Meep meep! Meep meep meep. (Pulls ripcord, which doesn’t work. Meeps with frustration. Pulls the cord again, and still nothing. More meeps. Pulls cord a third time and gets sucked into the wheel behind him. Gets spun around several times, yelling.)

DR. HONEYDEW
We at Muppet Labs have been able to grab hold of the future. (BEAKER has finally escaped the wheel behind him.) The wheels of progress turn swiftly here… (BEAKER gets hit on the head by the spinning wheel several times and screams.) as we strike upon ways to bring science safely to you. This user-friendly machine will now generate the first living 3D effect… (Jet of steam erupts in BEAKER’s face.) just by flicking a simple switch.

(DR. HONEYDEW indicates to flip the switch. BEAKER does, and sparks fly. WALDO C. GRAPHIC appears from the machine and flies around.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC:
I’m Waldo — the spirit of 3D! (Transforms into a “3D” as a fanfare plays.)

DR. HONEYDEW
Thank you, Beaker.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(To audience.) Hi there! Oh, cute outfit! Watch this… (Makes HIS nose come off and run around him in a circle.) Don’t you just hate it when your nose runs? (Laughs.) You know, all these other people think I’m talkin’ to them, but I’m really just talkin’ to you! (Sticks his nose out toward audience. Laughs. Begins flying around the room.) Wheee!

DR. HONEYDEW
Well, I think that will be just about enough of Waldo, Beaker. You may deactivate him.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
What?! What are you — Hey, watch it!

(BEAKER flips the switch again. Sparks fly, but WALDO doesn’t disappear.)

BEAKER
Meep meep meep meep!

DR. HONEYDEW
Oh, dear… He won’t deactivate!

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Bounces around the audience.) Boing! Boing!

DR. HONEYDEW
Ladies and gentlemen, there’s nothing to worry about — But please keep your heads down!

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Zonk! Boing! I’m bouncing on people’s heads! Hoo-hoo!

(BEAKER meeps in a panic.)

DR. HONEYDEW
Beaker! Beaker! Activate the Inflate-o-Matic!

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
The — why don’t you —

(BEAKER pushes on a pump, and WALDO inflates.)

DR. HONEYDEW
Hurry, Beaker! Hurry!

(BEAKER keeps pumping. WALDO gets huge and explodes into several more WALDOs.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Great! Now I can start my own football team! (Laughs, which is echoed by all the other WALDOs.)

DR. HONEYDEW
Beaker! We’ll have to try the VacuuMuppet! (BEAKER meeps in fright.) Yes. (BEAKER opens a door and giant vacuum hose emerges.) Ladies and gentlemen, for your own safety, please grasp your armrests firmly!

(Screams echo as the vacuum sucks up everything, including the screen. Suddenly, all that is left is a black screen with WALDO still on it.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Hey! I’m free! (Laughs. Whistles.) Taxi! (Transforms into a taxi.) All right! Now I’m gettin’ out of this place! (Tires screech as HE drives in a circle and then exits.)

KERMIT (Offscreen)
Uh, this way, folks. (Opens double doors and appears on screen back in the hallway from earlier.) Uh, I’m sorry, but Muppet Labs seems to have been temporarily… sucked up. But — (A flying pie making UFO noises circles his head.) Uh… now what is that?

(FOZZIE enters with a remote control.)

FOZZIE
Hey, Kermit — see, it’s my new remote-controlled banana cream pie! Huh? Huh?

KERMIT THE FROG
Yeah…

FOZZIE
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Kermit — watch this!

KERMIT THE FROG
What? Uh-oh.

(FOZZIE hits a button and the remote control’s antenna droops. Sound of the motor dying. The pie spins in place and hits FOZZIE in the face.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Eeee, Fozzie, that’s terrible.

FOZZIE
(Tastes the pie.) You’re right… Needs more sugar. (Laughs and exits.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Huh… And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the first musical portion of our demonstration, we have Miss Piggy in a wonderful 3D number. (The frame closes in on HIM as it transitions. HE opens it again.) Um, uh, that’s you, penguins.

(Image on screen transitions to garden. PENGUINS quack as they begin to play.)

PENGUINS
Oh! Oh!

WALDORF
Oh, doesn’t that look beautiful?

STATLER
Yeah… Too bad they’re gonna spoil it with a pig.

(THEY laugh and then shush each other.)

MISS PIGGY
La la la la la la.
Sun shining bright above you,
Soft breezes seem to whisper, “I love you.”

(BEAN BUNNY enters behind MISS PIGGY, with a butterfly puppet on a stick. HE hums along to her song.)

MISS PIGGY
Birds singing in the sycamore tree,
Dream a little dream of me.

(BEAN has put the butterfly in front of MISS PIGGY. SHE grunts and kicks him aside. HE screams and splashes in the water.)

MISS PIGGY
(Clears throat.)
Look in my eyes and kiss me…

(BEAN flies a bee puppet in front of MISS PIGGY and buzzes loudly.)

MISS PIGGY
Just hold me tight, and tell me you miss me…

(PENGUIN VIOLINIST stands up and plays “Flight of the Bumblebee” over the top of MISS PIGGY singing.)

MISS PIGGY
While I’m alone and blue as can be,
Dream a little dream of me.

(The last line is growled as MISS PIGGY grabs a fly swatter and uses it to smack the bee puppet.)

BEAN BUNNY
Awww… (He sulks off.)

MISS PIGGY
No troubles, as life bubbles on, dear…

(BEAN reappears, holding a bubble wand. He blows bubbles, which float out into the audience.)

MISS PIGGY
Still craving your kiss.
All right, that’s it! (To orchestra.) Knock it off, penguins!

BEAN BUNNY
Aw, but it was going so well!

MISS PIGGY
I will not work with that — that rabbit!

(Music cuts out.)

BEAN BUNNY
But I was just doing 3D! Guess I won’t be needing this. (Holds up a pole attached to a rope.)

MISS PIGGY
(Takes the pole.) What’s that?

BEAN BUNNY
It was for the big waterskiing finale.

MISS PIGGY
What?

(Boat motor revs and MISS PIGGY is pulled offscreen. BEAN chuckles. SAM EAGLE appears behind him.)

SAM EAGLE
Bean Bunny, what are you doing?!

BEAN BUNNY
What do you mean?

SAM EAGLE
You are ruining this film!

BEAN BUNNY
I was just trying to help!

SAM EAGLE
Get out! Get out!

BEAN BUNNY
I didn’t mean anything!

SAM EAGLE
Go away! Go away!!

(Camera follows BEAN BUNNY as he exits through a door in the backdrop. HE is in the black screen. WALDO enters, still as a taxi cab.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Does anybody know the way out of this film? (To BEAN.) Hey, you got a map down there? (Transforms back to his normal self.)

BEAN BUNNY
Well, you can come with me if you’d like. I just got fired, and I’m running away.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Transforms into a bindle.) Terrific! Let’s go!

BEAN BUNNY
Okay.

(GONZO enters.)

GONZO
Hey, Bean, what’s up?

BEAN BUNNY
I’m goin’ away. Forever. (Walks toward the back of the screen.)

GONZA
Oh, great! Could you get me a sandwich? (To audience.) Would any of you people like anything? (BEAN opens a door at the back of the screen and exits.) I mean, since he’s going out, he could — FOREVER?! Bean?! Bean?! Oh, Kermit! Kermit!! (Exits.)

(SWEETUMS enters, playing with a paddle ball and humming to himself. FOZZIE enters.)

FOZZIE
Hey, Sweetums! That’s a great effect!

SWEETUMS
Yeah, hey! (Exits.)

GONZO
(Enters and sees KERMIT entering from the other side.) Hey, Fozzie, Kermit!

KERMIT THE FROG
What is it?

GONZO
Bean Bunny ran away!

(MISS PIGGY enters behind them, sopping wet and wrapped in a towel.)

FOZZIE
Oh, no!

GONZO
Yes!

MISS PIGGY
Good riddance! (Exits, grumbling.)

FOZZIE
Hey, hey, hey — We gotta find him!

GONZO
I know!

KERMIT THE FROG
All right, everybody spread out and look for Bean!

GONZO
I’ll go this way. (Exits.)

(FOZZIE wanders around behind KERMIT, occasionally yelling “Bean!”)

KERMIT THE FROG
(To audience.) Uh, Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll continue the show in just a moment, but in the meantime, if you see a rabbit, holler.

(KERMIT, FOZZIE, and GONZO walk around on screen, looking for BEAN and yelling his name.)

SWEETUMS
Bunny! Oh, Bunny! Where are ya? Bunny! (Enters in front of the stage and walks across the audience.) Bunny!

WALDORF
Hey, what’s all the commotion about?

SWEETUMS
Bunny ran away.

WALDORF
Well you know what that makes him?

STATLER AND WALDORF
Smarter than us! (Laugh.)

SWEETUMS
(To audience.) Hey, anybody seen a bunny?

(BEAN’s ears appear in the box opposite STATLER and WALDORF.)

AUDIENCE MEMBER
I see one!

SWEETUMS
I don’t see a bunny.

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Turn around!

SWEETUMS
Where?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
There!

SWEETUMS
Where?

AUDIENCE MEMBER
Look up there!

SWEETUMS
(Shines his flashlight up toward BEAN.) Aw, nothin’ up there but a bunny. A bunny?! Bean!

BEAN BUNNY
Hi Sweetums.

SWEETUMS
Hey, Kermit, look!

(KERMIT appears on screen and sees SWEETUMS’ light shining on BEAN.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Huh? (FOZZIE and GONZO enter behind him.) Bean! What are you doing out there?

BEAN BUNNY
I’m runnin’ away. Nobody would let me help with the movie.

KERMIT, GONZO, AND FOZZIE
Awwww…

STATLER
This is a very moving moment.

WALDORF
Yeah… I wish they’d move it to Pittsburgh.

(Door opens on screen and WALDO enters.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Hey Bean — what are we doing stickin’ around here? Let’s burn rubber! (HIS feet turn into wheels, which burn rubber in place.)

FOZZIE
Who’s that?

BEAN BUNNY
He’s Waldo — my 3D friend. And we’re both leaving the movie.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Yeah!

GONZO
Bu-bu-but Bean — if you leave, you’ll miss all the fireworks!

FOZZIE AND KERMIT
Right, yeah, etc.

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Fireworks? Whoa!

BEAN BUNNY
Okay, I’ll stay… but I wanna help.

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh… gee, is there anything Bean can do in the final number?

GONZO
Hmm.

FOZZIE
Oh, gosh, maybe — maybe — maybe Bean could set off the fireworks!

GONZO
Oh, that’s cool!

BEAN BUNNY
That sounds great!

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Yeah, and I’ll stay and help! Hoo hoo hoo! I love fireworks. Hoo hoo hoo hoo! (Pulls out two sparklers and laughs.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Well, okay… Sam! Are you about ready?

(SAM EAGLE pokes his head through door at the back of the screen.)

SAM EAGLE
Yes, it’s a glorious three-hour finale.

KERMIT THE FROG
You got a minute-and-a-half.

(SAM gasps and disappears.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Okay, everybody, get ready!

FOZZIE AND GONZO
Yeah, right, right, etc.

KERMIT THE FROG
(To audience.) Ladies and gentlemen, the Muppets proudly present the final demonstration of Muppet*Vision 3D!

(KERMIT exits as we dissolve to three SOLDIERS. Center SOLDIER drums, while others wave flags. More SOLDIERS march in and fill in several lines. SOLDIER BAND plays brass instruments in fanfare. SOLDIERS begin to play a medley of patriotic marches. WALDO appears, dressed as Drum Major. HE bounces on the SOLDIERS and causes the TUBA PLAYER to fall and drop his instrument bell on top of his head.)

TUBA PLAYER
Where am I? Coming through!

(TUBA PLAYER tries to move, but is still stuck inside the tuba. HE crashes into several other FLAG WAVERS. SAM EAGLE appears.)

SAM EAGLE
What are you doing? Get back into place!

(BAND MEMBERS vaguely sing “It’s a Small World” behind the action.)

TUBA PLAYER
Who, me?

(The BAND begins setting off cannons and rifles during the “1812 Overture” section. TUBA PLAYER continues wandering around and running into to people.)

TUBA PLAYER
Where’s the tuba section? Oh boy… (Cannon fire startles him.) Whoa! Is it over yet? (Music transitions to “Stars and Stripes Forever.” HE gets trampled by several people marching.) Can we start again? Sorry!

(BEAN BUNNY appears in his box with the fireworks plunger.)

SAM EAGLE
Bean, the fireworks!

BEAN BUNNY
Rockets away! (Presses the plunger.)

(Fireworks appear on screen. WALDO flies in and looks back at them.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Whoa, hey! Wow! (Turns himself into a rocket and shoots himself off.) Weee!

STATLER
Ooh! Ahh! Oh!

WALDORF
Enjoying the fireworks?

STATLER
No, your chair’s on my foot!

WALDORF
Ooh, sorry…

(MISS PIGGY appears on screen dressed as the Statue of Liberty. We zoom out to see the mayhem being caused at her feet by the rampaging TUBA PLAYER and the rest of the SOLDIERS. WALDO appears, still in rocket form.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Laughs.) Watch this!

(WALDO flies in circles around MISS PIGGY, who screams. WALDO tears HER dress, and the skirt falls down. SHE screams more. WALDO laughs and crashes to the ground.)

SWEETUMS
Stop the movie! Stop the movie, Chef! (Appears out front with a bucket.) Hey, Chef, can’t ya hear me? Stop the projector!

MISS PIGGY
You’ll hear from my lawyer!

SWEETUMS
I’ll save ya, penguins! (Tries to throw the bucket on them and misses, hitting MISS PIGGY instead. Noise as PENGUINS rise from orchestra pit with a cannon.) Take it easy! I’m sorry! Oh, no, wait! Don’t shoot! Duck, everybody, duck! (WALDO turns into a duck and quacks.) No, not you — them! Look out!

(The cannon fires and hits the projector. The movie goes wobbly and cuts to white.)

SWEDISH CHEF (Swedish babble)
Hey der stüpid crazy birdsy!

(As the screen goes all the way white, WALDO appears.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
At last, I’m out of this silly film!

(SWEDISH CHEF fires a musket toward WALDO from the back of the house and babbles.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
Hey, what are you shootin’ at me for? It was the penguins! (More shots barely miss him and hit the screen.) Hey watch it, will ya?

(SWEDISH CHEF continues to babble. WALDO transforms into a bullseye.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Taunts.) Na-na-na-na-na-na! You couldn’t hit me with a… (HIS eyes go big as he sees SWEDISH CHEF with a cannon.) cannon?! Hey, everybody! He’s got a cannon!!

(STATLER and WALDORF duck. SWEDISH CHEF babbles and fires. WALDO screams. The screen explodes. As the dust starts to settle, SWEETUMS appears in front of the screen.)

SWEETUMS
Everyone okay in here?

(STATLER and WALDORF wave white flags from their box.)

STATLER AND WALDORF
We surrender! We surrender!

(The sound of a fire engine dinging can be heard.)

SWEETUMS
What an explosion!

(The screen now has an enormous hole in it, which looks out the back of the theatre. Other GUESTS look through the hole, confused and worried. KERMIT rides through the hole on the back of a fire engine.)

KERMIT THE FROG
Uh — well, uh, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to apologize for our slight, uh, technical difficulties. But I do wish to assure you that no one was hurt, and, uh, this theatre suffered only minor damage. So… thank you very much for coming to see this demonstration of Muppet*Vision technology. And enjoy the rest of your stay, and come see us again sometime!

(The fire engine backs up as the curtain falls on the screen. WALDO appears in front of the curtain.)

WALDO C. GRAPHIC
(Laughs and transforms into MICKEY MOUSE.) They’ll never recognize me now! Forward, huh!

(Sound of a vacuum is heard. WALDO transforms back into himself and is sucked back behind the curtain.)

BEAN BUNNY
Huh, what a cute ending! (Curtain closes on his box.)

STATLER
Well, what do you think?

WALDORF
Do we have time to go to the bathroom before the next show?

STATLER
We can’t, you old fool! We’re bolted to the seats!

(THEY laugh as the curtain closes on their box. End of show.)

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Muppet*Vision 3D Pre-Show (Disney’s Hollywood Studios)

*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Preshow Video)

CONSTRUCTION WORKER #1 (BOSS)
(Wanders across screen, grunts and looks around. Crosses to left TV.) Oh, yeah, yeah, hey, hey — Roy! Roy!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER #2 (ROY)
Yeah, boss?

BOSS
Over here!

ROY
Okay! Yo, Rick! Movin’ out!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER #3 (RICK)
Roy? Oh, yes sir!

ROY
I’m here, boss.

BOSS
Okay, okay. Now listen up… Where’s Chuck?

RICK
Chuck!

ROY
Yo, Chuck!

RICK
Chuck!

BOSS
Hey Chuck, come here, come here, come here!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER #4 (CHUCK)
Yeah, boss?

BOSS
Chuck. For the sign, there’s a rope. Pull the rope.

CHUCK
Oh, rope.

BOSS
Pull the rope, Chuck. Okay, Chucky. Okay, okay, here we go. Pull!

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Up, pull, up, etc.

(CHUCK pulls the rope and the sign raises up. It goes too far.)

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Whoa whoa whoa!

BOSS
Down, down, down. Good, good.

(The sign goes down too far.)

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

BOSS
Chuck, Chuck, Chuck — up Chuck.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Okay, okay, good, etc.

BOSS
Okay, good Chuck.

CHUCK
Thanks, boss.

BOSS
(Crosses to right TV.) Listen, uh… Roy! Rick!

RICK
Yeah, boss?

BOSS
Okay, now, there’s — where’s Chuck?

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Chuck! Yo, Chuck! Come here, Chuck, etc.

(CHUCK crosses to right TV.)

BOSS
Okay, Chuck…

CHUCK
Yeah?

BOSS
Another sign. Another rope. Go.

CHUCK
Rope? (Exits offscreen.)

BOSS
Okay, okay. Here we go. Okay, uh, ready? Pull! Pull!

(CHUCK pulls way too hard and sign flies way too high.)

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Whoa! Whoa! Chuck! Chuck! No! No, etc.

(CHUCK releases rope and sign falls to ground.)

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
No! No. Up, up, up, etc.

(CHUCK raises sign to the right level.)

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Good, good, etc.

BOSS
That’s good. Good, Chuck!

CHUCK
Thanks, boss!

BOSS
Okay, okay, Roy. Get over there, get over there. (ROY moves back to right TV.) Okay, okay, uh, Chuck!

CHUCK
Mmm?

BOSS
Okay, the center. The center rope. Okay, here we go. Ready? One. Two. Three — (Grunts as HE lifts on the rope.)

(Music begins.)

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3
Come on, Chuck, come on, etc.

(Middle sign rises to occupy center TV. It reads “Jim Henson’s Muppet*Vision 3D”).

BOSS
(Reading) Okay, it’s “Jim Henson’s Muppet*Vision 3D.” Yeah, good work.

(CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3 cross to middle TV and stand in front of sign.)

BOSS
Yeah, yeah, good Chuck!

(CHUCK releases the rope and the sign falls on CONSTRUCTION WORKERS #1-3. They yell as it flattens them. Other two signs fall and crash as well.)

SCOOTER (Entering)
Video display test! Lose the background! (TVs all go black.) Thank you!
(Walks from the left TV to center to right. The displays change colors. When HE appears in the right TV, SCOOTER is tinted green.) Heh, Scooter from Mars. (Pushes a button to change the color back to normal. HE walks back to left TV.) That’ll do it. (Goes to center TV as left TV changes to test pattern. Center TV screen reception wobbles, sending SCOOTER up and down and making him sick.) Hey, guys — help! (Crosses to right TV, which shows several SCOOTERs in little boxes. He is still woozy.) Thanks, guys… (Exits the right TV to the right, but then immediately enters the left TV on the left.)
Uh, check. (Goes to the center TV.) Haven’t I been here before? (To the right TV.) Mm-hmm. (Exits right and immediately enters left again.) Good. (Crosses to center TV. A second SCOOTER outline, made of TV static wobbles around HIM.) Wow, is that weird or what?! (Crossing back to left TV.) Hey, Tom!

(TOM enters left TV and crosses by SCOOTER.)

TOM
Yeah?

SCOOTER
(Indicates center TV with static outline.) Over there.

(TOM crosses to center TV and hits the SCOOTER outline with a hammer, making it disappear.)

SCOOTER
How technical. (TOM crosses by him.) Uh, thanks.

TOM
Sure. (Exits.)

(All TVs go black as music starts. A PAINTER enters the right tv and laughs toward the audience. He begins rolling on paint, but moving images appear. First, several fish swim around. PAINTER continues painting all three TVs.)

PAINTER
Fish! (Exits.)

(A CREW MEMBER enters the left TV wearing scuba gear. HE looks around at all the fish and then pulls out a stopper from the center TV. The water and the fish all drain out. HE exits. Four PENGUINS appear across the three screens. The one on the right TV has a tuba and plays a few notes. They all make PENGUIN noises at one another. FOZZIE enters the left TV and interrupts their cacophony.)

FOZZIE
Okay, okay, penguins — okay, penguins, into the theatre. We have to rehearse. (Begins herding the PENGUINS across the screens toward the right TV.) Okay. You too, guys. Yeah, orchestra rehearsal. Yeah, yeah. Okay, inside guys. (One penguin, EUGENE, has been left behind.) Hey, Eugene… Wait a second, wait a second! (HE crosses to left TV to grab EUGENE by the collar and drag him toward the rehearsal.) We need you, okay? Into the — into the theatre! Orchestra rehearsal, Eugene. (Looks back to the left TV and sees another penguin, ELMER.) Okay, Elmer! C’mon now. (Dragging ELMER.) Okay, you too, Elmer. (Grabs EUGENE too.) Okay, both you guys, in. Come on guys! I need you there! (Looks back toward the left TV and sees a CHICKEN. HE crosses to the CHICKEN and meets her in center TV.) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hold it! Hold it, hold it! You’re not a penguin — you’re a chicken.

CHICKEN
(Clucks.)

FOZZIE
I told you chickens to stay on the other side of the road. (To someone off-camera.) Okay, why did this chicken cross the road?

CHICKEN
(Clucks in rhythm of “To get to the other side.”)

FOZZIE
Ahhh, that’s funny! (Exiting right.) Hey, penguins, I got a joke — Why did the chicken cross the road?

(Musical transition as FOZZIE exits right and CHICKEN exits left. Curtains close on all three screens. SCOOTER enters right and crosses center.)

SCOOTER
Uh, ladies and gentlemen — could I have your attention, please?

(RIZZO enters right.)

SCOOTER
Um, excuse me… Uh, um…

(RIZZO runs forward)

RIZZO
QUIEEEET! (The AUDIENCE falls silent.) What? You gotta project, from the diaphragm.

SCOOTER
Thank you, Rizzo.

RIZZO
You’re welcome.

SCOOTER
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if you could step as far forward and close together as you can —

RIZZO
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah — get real close. You see, we’re doing research on deodorant strength. (Laughs.)

SCOOTER
Rizzo… you’re disgusting!

RIZZO
It’s a gift — ha! (Exits right.)

SCOOTER
(Sighs.) Well, we’re ready to start Muppet*Vision 3D. And if you’ll —

(FOZZIE enters left and interrupts.)

FOZZIE
Uh, Scooter, Scooter, Scooter — ‘scuse me, but, uh, where’s Kermit?

SCOOTER
Oh, he’s inside, getting ready.

FOZZIE
Oh, oh, great, great. (Crossing right.) I’ve got a whole new act for the 3D movie — just wait here. I’ll get him. (Gets to right TV.) Okay, get ready, girls! (Crosses center.) Scooter, I’d like to present the three D’s —

(DOROTHY enters right, followed by DINAH, and MAX.)

DOROTHY
Hi, I’m Dorothy!

DINAH
I’m Dinah!

MAX
I’m Max! Yeah, Debbie was sick, so, uh, the union sent me.

FOZZIE
(Looking at SCOOTER.) Debbie was sick, so the un — (Clears throat and pulls out a pitch pipe.)

DINAH
One, two, three —

DOROTHY AND DINAH
By the light

MAX
By the light, by the light

DOROTHY AND DINAH
Of the silvery moon…

MAX
Not the sun, but the moon.

SCOOTER
(Interrupts.) No, no, no, no. C’mon, no, no, no, Fozzie — get them out of here.

FOZZIE
Okay, okay. C’mon girls, I’m sorry.

(FOZZIE herds the angry girls and MAX toward the left screen. They protest.)

FOZZIE
It’s okay. Maybe another time, etc.

SCOOTER
Sorry about this, folks.

FOZZIE
Another time.

SCOOTER
Come on, Max.

MAX
Whoa! Watch the dress, fella. Will ya?

(SCOOTER gets them all off screen.)

SCOOTER
Oh, brother. Ugh! Now, folks, if you —

(BEAN BUNNY enters left with his one-man band costume on. HE crosses noisily.)

BEAN BUNNY
Hi Scooter.

SCOOTER
Bean, where are you goin’?

BEAN BUNNY
Oh, I’m going to help Miss Piggy with her musical number! (HE starts to exit right.)

SCOOTER
(Calls after him.) But Bean, you know nobody interrupts Miss Piggy while she’s rehearsing!

(BEAN has exited right. Noise of a scuffle with MISS PIGGY, and then BEAN gets hurled back onto the screen from off right. HE crashes.)

MISS PIGGY (Offscreen)
Don’t come back!

SCOOTER
I warned you…

(BEAN gets up and looks dazed. GONZO enters from left.)

GONZO
Scooter! (Sees BEAN.) Ooh, nice outfit!

BEAN BUNNY
Thanks… (Exits.)

GONZO
Scooter! Scooter! There’s a telephone call for you — it’s urgent.

SCOOTER
Oh, thanks! (Exits left.)

GONZO
Yeah, yeah. (To audience.) I got him. We don’t have a telephone! (Laughs.) And now, ladies and gentlemen, while you are a captive audience — a display of tremendous tap-dancing talent with the added cultural component of — (Fanfare as he crosses to the left TV with a pot of flowers on his head.) a pot of flowers balanced on my head. Hit it, Rusty!

(GONZOs appear on all three screens as he dances to a soft-shoe melody. Tap dancing sounds are heard.)

GONZOS
Yeah!

(The center GONZO’s pot crashes to the floor. The right GONZO runs into center TV.)

RIGHT GONZO
Oh, you dropped your pot.

CENTER GONZO
Oh!

(THREE GONZOS sing a line along with the music.)

RIGHT GONZO
Pick it up!

(CENTER GONZO grabs his pot while more crashing and tap dancing noises are heard.)

RIGHT GONZO
Got it?

CENTER GONZO
Yeah!

(GONZOS go back to their respective TVs and end their dance with a synchronized time step. Music out. Applause.)

GONZOS
Oh, thank you. You’re welcome. Thank you. You’re welcome, etc.

CENTER GONZO
What about me?

(GONZOS disappear. TVs return to curtain backdrop. SCOOTER enters left.)

SCOOTER
Gonzo? Gonzo?!

(Two GONZOS enter left and right TVs.)

GONZOS
Yes, Scooter?

SCOOTER
Uh… we have no phone.

GONZOS
Well, we’ll run right out and get one. (They disappear.)

(SCOOTER looks around, disoriented.)

SCOOTER
Uh, where was I before I was interrupted? Um… oh, yes, I was gonna tell you about the 3D —

(BEAN BUNNY enters left inside a pool toy. He makes motorcycle sounds.)

BEAN BUNNY
Hello, Scooter! (Starts to exit right.)

SCOOTER
Bean! Bean! Where you goin’ with that?

BEAN BUNNY
Oh, I thought Miss Piggy might need a prop for her number!

SCOOTER
Bean, can’t you see that Piggy doesn’t want any help?

BEAN BUNNY
Oh, I’m sure she’ll like this! (Exits right.)

SCOOTER
(To audience.) Look, I’m sorry about these interruptions.

MISS PIGGY (Offscreen)
Get out of here!! Hi-ya! (BEAN goes soaring across the three screens.) And stay out!

SCOOTER
Heh heh, okay, well, all right… we’re just about ready to start the movie. So, if you listen carefully, you can hear the orchestra tuning up.

(PENGUINS begin to cross from left to right, making penguin noises while the sound of orchestral tuning is heard.)

SCOOTER
Hey, now wait a second! Hey, you penguins can’t go in there! You’ll interrupt the orchestra.

(FOZZIE has entered among the PENGUINS.)

FOZZIE
Scooter! These penguins are the orchestra! (Herding PENGUINS.) C’mon, Eugene! C’mon, Estelle! C’mon, let’s go! Come on, come on!

(PENGUINS and FOZZIE exit right.)

SCOOTER
All right… Before we go in, here’s Sam Eagle with some important safety instructions. (Exits.)

(Patriotic music as SAM EAGLE enters left and crosses center.)

SAM EAGLE
(Clears throat.) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls — I am Sam Eagle, and these are some important safety instructions for you —

(GONZO enters left.)

GONZO
Excuse me — Sam! Sam!

SAM EAGLE
Not now, Gonzo.

GONZO
But Sam, this is urgent. Come here!

(GONZO and SAM have a whispered conversation between the TVs left and center.)

SAM EAGLE
What?!

GONZO
Yes!

SAM EAGLE
(Gasps.) Really?! Here?!

GONZO
Yes, indeed. Right over there!

SAM EAGLE
Well of course, certainly. Ladies and gentlemen, we have an unexpected surprise. I have the great honor of introducing the one, the only, Mr. Mickey Mouse!

(RIZZO enters right wearing Mickey ears. HE sings to the tune of the “Mickey Mouse Club March.”)

RIZZO
Na na na na na na na na na na na na na — Hello! Hi there! Welcome to my park. How ya doin’? Hello!

SAM EAGLE
(Sputters.) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

RIZZO
What?

SAM EAGLE
You are not Mickey Mouse — you are a rat!

RIZZO
Rat-shmat! Besides, they’re tourists! What do they know?

SAM EAGLE
Will you get out of here?!

RIZZO
Okay, but do I still get my 10 bucks?

SAM EAGLE
Get out! Get out! Get out!

(RIZZO exits, grumbling.)

GONZO
I got Donald Duck back here, I —

SAM EAGLE
Will you get out?!

GONZO
Yes. (Exits.)

SAM EAGLE
I apologize. (Sighs.) Now, where was I? Yes, safety instructions. First, when entering the theatre, please move as far to the end of the row as possible. Stopping in the middle is distinctly un-patriotic. Second, do not attempt to walk while wearing your 3D glasses. (GONZO walks by wearing 3D glasses.) You may trip — and frankly, you will look — (GONZO trips.) What are you doing?

GONZO
I’m just showing how you can trip if you walk with your glasses on.

SAM EAGLE
Will you stop this foolishness?!

GONZO
What foolishness would you like to see?

SAM EAGLE (Yelling)
Will you get out of here?!

(GONZO screams and exits right.)

GONZO
Yes. (Passing SCOOTER, who enters right.) Excuse me, sorry.

SAM EAGLE
What now?

SCOOTER
We’re almost ready, Sam.

SAM EAGLE
Oh! Fine, fine, fine, fine. Okay, Scooter. (Clears throat.) Now, the performers will all go in the theatre first, and then you, the audience, will be admitted. All right, performers! Let us enter in an orderly fashion and provide an example —

(Bugle fanfare. The PERFORMERS all rush across from the left to the right, trampling SAM EAGLE.)

SAM EAGLE
(Gets to his feet wearily.) Will… somebody… please take over? (HE faints forward.)

(Curtains rise on all three screens to reveal the signs that the CONSTRUCTION WORKERS hung at the beginning of the video. Fanfare. Doors open to let guests into the theatre.)

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Festival of Fantasy Parade (Magic Kingdom)

*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Music begins with brass fanfare.)

ANNOUNCER
Hear ye! Hear ye! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the Magic Kingdom. You are warmly invited to join Mickey Mouse and his Fantasyland friends for a magical celebration in the streets! Dreams will come true, hearts will soar, and you will become a part of the magic. For the time has come to take your places, and prepare to welcome the wondrous and wonderful Disney Festival of Fantasy Parade!

(Parade begins with dancers.)

CHORUS
Away we go (away we go),
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!
Beauty and majesty,

Shining magically!
Dreams that glow (dreams that glow),
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
So, away we go.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

La la la, etc.

(Float goes by with BELLE, BEAST, CINDERELLA, PRINCE CHARMING, TIANA, PRINCE NAVEEN, ANNA, and ELSA.)

MALE CHORUS
Tale as old as time,
True as it can be.

CHORUS
Barely even friends,
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly.

MALE CHORUS
Certain as the sun,
Rising in the east.

FEMALE CHORUS
Tale as old as time,

MALE CHORUS
Song as old as rhyme…

CHORUS
Beauty and the Beast!

FEMALE CHORUS
A dream is a wish your heart makes,
When you’re fast asleep.

CHORUS
In dreams, you will lose your heartaches.
Whatever you wish for, you keep.

FEMALE CHORUS
For the first time in forever…

CHORUS
Let it go! Let it go!

FEMALE CHORUS
For the first time in forever,
I won’t be alone!

CHORUS
Dreams that glow (dreams that glow),
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
So, away we go.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

(Tangled float approaches, carrying RAPUNZEL, FLYNN, and MAXIMUS. THUGS dance in front. Rhythmic bangs and clanks accompany the next sections.)

CHORUS
Away we go,

It’s a Festival of Fantasy!
Beauty and majesty,
Shining magically!
Dreams that glow,
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
So, away we go.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

(TANGLED CHORUS sings to the tune of “I’ve Got a Dream.”)

TANGLED CHORUS
La la la la,
La la la la,
La la la la la!

THUG SOLOIST
I’ve got a dream!

TANGLED CHORUS
He’s got a dream!

THUG SOLOIST
I’ve got a dream!

TANGLED CHORUS
He’s got a dream!

THUG SOLOIST
See, I ain’t as cruel and vicious as I seem!
Though I do like breaking femurs,
You can count me with the dreamers.

TANGLED CHORUS
Like everybody else,
I’ve got a dream!

THUG SOLOIST
Can’t you see me with that special little lady?
Rowing in a rowboat down the stream.
Though I’m one disgusting blighter,
I’m a lover, not a fighter.
‘Cause way down deep inside,
I’ve got a dream!

TANGLED CHORUS
He’s got a dream!

RAPUNZEL
When will my life begin?

TANGLED CHORUS
‘Cause way down deep inside, we’ve got a dream.

RAPUNZEL
I’ve got a dream!

TANGLED CHORUS
She’s got a dream!

RAPUNZEL
I’ve got a dream!

TANGLED CHORUS
She’s got a dream!

RAPUNZEL
I just want to see the floating lanterns gleam.

TANGLED CHORUS
Awww!

RAPUNZEL
And with every passing hour,
I’m so glad I left my tower!

RAPUNZEL AND TANGLED CHORUS
‘Cause way down deep inside,
I’ve got a dream!

CHORUS
Dreams that glow,
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
So, away we go.

TANGLED CHORUS
Here we go!

CHORUS
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

TANGLED CHORUS
La la la la,
La la la la,
La la la la la!

(The Little Mermaid float approaches, carrying ARIEL, SEBASTIAN, and various sea creatures.)

CARIBBEAN CHORUS
Away we go-oh-oh,
It’s a Festival of Fantasy, yeah!
Eh, eh-oh, eh-oh.
Shining magically, yeah!
Dreams that glow-oh-oh,
They wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
Eh-oh-eh
So, away we go-oh-oh.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

SEBASTIAN
Hahaha, dat boy… He ain’t never gonna kiss de girl…

CARIBBEAN CHORUS
Sha-la-la-la,
La la la la la.

Sha-la-la-la-la-la, my, oh my,
Look like the boy too shy,
Ain’t gonna kiss the girl.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, ain’t that sad?
Ain’t it a shame? Too bad,
You gonna miss the girl.

Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t be scared.
You got the mood prepared.
Go on and kiss the girl (kiss the girl).
Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t stop now.
Don’t try to hide it, how…

ARIEL
Someday I’ll be
Part of your world!

SEBASTIAN
Under the sea!

CARIBBEAN CHORUS
Under the sea!

SEBASTIAN
Life under the sea is better than anything they got up there!

CARIBBEAN CHORUS
Under the sea,
Under the sea.
When the sardine
Begin the beguine,
It’s music to me!
What do they got?
A lot of sand.
We got a hot crustacean band!
Each little clam here
Know how to jam here,
Under the sea!

SEBASTIAN
You’ve got the rhythm! Come on, do it with us now — celebration! (Laughs.)

CARIBBEAN CHORUS
Dreams that glow-oh-oh,
They wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
Eh-oh-eh
So, away we go-oh-oh.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

(Peter Pan float approaches, carrying PETER PAN, WENDY, CAPTAIN HOOK, and TINKER BELL. LOST BOYS and PIRATES dance in front.)

LOST BOYS CHORUS
Away we go, yo-ho!

Oh, a pirate’s life is a wonderful life,
A-roving over the sea!
Give me a career
As a buccaneer,
It’s the life of a pirate for me!
Yo-ho! Yo-ho!

Oh, a pirate’s life is a wonderful life,
You find adventure and sport.
But live every minute
For all that is in it —
The life of a pirate is short!
Aha!

FEMALE SOLOIST
Think of a wonderful thought,
Any merry little thought.

FEMALE CHORUS
Think of Christmas, think of snow.
Think of sleigh bells, off we go,
Like reindeer in the sky
(Reindeer in the sky, reindeer in the sky)

CHORUS
You can fly, you can fly, you can fly!

LOST BOYS CHORUS
Following the leader,
The leader, the leader.
We’re following the leader,
Wherever he may go!
(Whistling.)
Just a teedle-ee-dum,
A teedle-ee-do-tee-day

FEMALE CHORUS
When there’s a smile in your heart…

LOST BOYS CHORUS
Following the leader…

FEMALE CHORUS
There’s no better time to start

LOST BOYS CHORUS
Wherever he may go!

FEMALE CHORUS
Think of all the joy you’ll find,
When you leave the world behind…

CHORUS
And bid your cares goodbye (your cares goodbye)!
You can fly!
You can fly!
You can fly!

LOST BOYS CHORUS
Dreams that glow, yo-ho!
Yo-ho!
Away we go,
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

FEMALE CHORUS
You can fly!

CHORUS
You can fly!

LOST BOYS CHORUS
Yo-ho!

(Brave float approaches, carrying MERIDA and her BROTHERS.)

CHORUS
Away we go (away we go),
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!
Beauty and majesty,

Shining magically!
Dreams that glow (dreams that glow),
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
So, away we go.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

MERIDA
Chase the wind, and touch the sky!

(Bagpipes and Scottish music.)

MERIDA
I will rise, I will fly!
Chase the wind, and touch the sky!
I will fly!
Chase the wind, and touch the sky!

CHORUS
Dreams that glow,
(Chase the wind)
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
(Chase the wind)
So, away we go.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

MERIDA
Chase the wind, and touch the sky!

(Maleficent DRAGON float approaches. FLORA, FAUNA, and MERRYWEATHER dance out front, while PRINCE PHILLIP is taunted by spooky dancers.)

FEMALE SOLOIST
Away we go!
Away we go!
Shining magically.
Dreams that glow!
Away we go…

FEMALE CHORUS
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

(DRAGON breathes fire and does battle with PRINCE PHILLIP.)

FEMALE SOLOISTS
Dreams that glow!
Away we go!
It’s a Festival of Fantasy.

You’ll love me at once,
The way you did once upon a dream.

(SNOW WHITE, DWARFS, JIMINY CRICKET, ALICE, and MAD HATTER dance by ahead of Monstro, Dumbo, and Fantasia float. PINOCCHIO rides atop the whale.)

CHORUS
Away we go (away we go),
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!
Beauty and majesty,

Shining magically!
Dreams that glow (dreams that glow),
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
So, away we go.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

MALE CHORUS
Who’s the leader of the club
That’s made for you and me?
M-I-C-K-E-Y
M-O-U-S-E!

Mickey Mouse!
Mickey Mouse! (Mickey Mouse!)
Forever let us hold our banner high.

Come along, and sing a song,
And join the jamboree!
M-I-C-K-E-Y
M-O-U-S-E!

FEMALE CHORUS
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay.
My, oh my, what a wonderful day!
Plenty of sunshine headin’ my way
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, zip-a-dee-ay!

When you wish upon a star!

(FEMALE CHORUS sings to the tune of “I’ve Got No Strings.”)

FEMALE CHORUS
La la la la la la la

MALE CHORUS
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah…

FEMALE CHORUS
La la la la la la la

MALE CHORUS
Zip-a-dee-ay…

FEMALE CHORUS
La la la la la la la
What a wonderful day.

CHORUS
What a wonderful day.
(Wonderful day. Wonderful day.)

M-I-C-K-E-Y
M-O-U-S-E!

FEMALE SOLOIST
Well I think I’ve seen about everything
When I see an elephant fly!

CHORUS
La la la la la
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!

Dreams that glow (dreams that glow),
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
So, away we go.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!
Fantasy!

(DONALD, DAISY, and PLUTO float, and MICKEY and MINNIE balloon float approach.)

MICKEY MOUSE
Oh boy! That’s right! This is the best celebration ever! Gosh Minnie, isn’t this fun?, etc.

MINNIE
I just love a parade! We’re flying! etc.

CHORUS
Dreams that glow (dreams that glow),
Wondrous, dazzling brilliantly.
So, away we go.
It’s a Festival of Fantasy!
Fantasy!

It’s a Festival of Fantasy!

(Parade ends.)

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Country Bear Jamboree (Magic Kingdom)

*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Lights up on BUFF, MELVYN, and MAX)

BUFF
(Whistles.) Hey, Henry, what’s holdin’ ya up? Let’s get on with the show!

MAX
Now, Buff, be patient.

MELVYN
Yeah, we ain’t goin’ anywhere anyhow. We’re kind of hung up here! (Laughs.)

(GOMER has appeared on stage at the piano.)

HENRY (Offstage)
Gimme a little intro there, Gomer.

(GOMER starts playing the piano. Stage left curtain opens to reveal HENRY.)

HENRY
Howdy folks! Welcome to the one and only, original, Country Bear Jamboree — featuring a bit of Americana, our musical heritage of the past. And right now, I give you a sordid assortment of executioners of music and song. The Five Bear Rugs… Hit it boys!

(Center curtain opens to reveal FIVE BEAR RUGS playing instruments. Little OSCAR sits on the edge of the stage, clutching his teddy bear. GOMER and his piano exit into the stage.)

HENRY
The Bear Band bears will play now,

In the good ol’ key of G.
Zeke and Zeb and Ted and Fred,
And a bear named Tennessee.

Zeke’s a-twangin’ on the banjo,
And a-tappin’ with his feet.
A-bangin’ on a dishpan,
With a real ol’ country beat.

(ZEKE takes a solo.)

HENRY
Zeb’s a-sawin’ on the fiddle

With a crooked hickory bow.
When the spirit moves that bruin,
He can make that fiddle go.

(ZEB takes a solo.)

HENRY
Brother Ted is on the corn jug —

Now, I mean, that bear can blow!
He also plays the washboard
With a handle of a hoe.

(TED takes a solo.)

HENRY
And big Fred’s playin’ mouth harp.

He plays it kinda sad.
He never took a lesson;
He just picked it up from Dad.

(FRED takes a solo.)

HENRY
And li’l ol’ Tennessee Bear

Is a-featured on the thing.
Sounds just like a guitar,
But it’s only got one string.

(TENESSEE takes a solo.)

HENRY
So clap your hands,

And stomp your feet,
And try to keep right with ’em.
One sure thing the Bear Band’s got
Is real ol’ country rhythm.

Ah ha!

(OSCAR squeezes his teddy bear, which squeaks. Curtain opens stage right to reveal ERNEST, “The Dude,” playing the fiddle.)

ERNEST
One night, I left the wife at home,
And I went out with the boys.
I was acting like a Don Juan,
And making a lot of noise.

ZEKE
Tell ’em, lover boy!

ERNEST
A go-go girl caught my hand,
I said, “I can’t. I’m a married man.”
She said “If you ain’t gonna steal,
You better not prowl.”

ZEB
He’s a born loser!

ERNEST
Don’t do-si-do with a go-go.
If you can’t bite, don’t growl.
If you can’t bite, don’t growl.

(Curtain closes on ERNEST. Curtain opens on HENRY.)

HENRY
And now, a heart-renderin’ ditty, by our old growler of song — Liver Lips McGrowl! Sing it, Mac!

(Curtain opens on LIVER LIPS.)

LIVER LIPS
I got a woman, she’s got me.
Whatever we do, we both agree.
She ain’t purty, but I ain’t too.
The things we like are the things we do.

My woman ain’t purty, but she don’t swear none.
She’s kinda heavy — don’t weigh a ton.
She’s my woman, through and through.
I love her only, ’cause my heart is true.

(Curtain closes on LIVER LIPS. Curtain opens center to reveal barnyard backdrop. WENDELL rises downstage left.)

WENDELL AND HENRY
Mama, don’t whup little Buford.
Mama, don’t pound on his head.
Mama, don’t whup little Buford…
I think you should shoot him instead.

HENRY
Bang!

(WENDELL laughs.)

HENRY
Yes, folks, we only have high-class stuff on this show. And now, here’s a special treat out of Tampa — our own Trixie!

(Curtain opens to reveal TRIXIE. GOMER plays the piano.)

TRIXIE
Tears will be the chaser for your wine
After you leave this love of mine.
Bright lights and taverns,
That’s where you’ll spend your time.
And tears will the be chaser for your wine.

(Curtain closes on TRIXIE. Another curtain opens on TERRENCE.)

TERRENCE
How long is forever?
How soon is now or never?
How long will these heartaches linger on?
And how long will my baby be gone?

(Lights flash as drums sound. Blackout on TERRENCE. Lights up on HENRY.)

HENRY
(Chuckles. Clears throat.) And now, here they come — those little Sun Bonnets from the sunshine state, Bunny, Bubbles, and Buelah!

(The SUN BONNETS rise up center stage. Slides projected behind them show animation and lyrics.)

SUN BONNETS
Every time I meet a guy who gets me shook,
All I ever get from him’s a dirty look.
It’s the same way everywhere, I’ve found.
All the guys that turn me on turn me down.

All the guys that turn me on turn me down.
Nothing works for me that I’ve found.
It’s the same way everywhere, I see.
Nothing ever seems to work for me.

Doodle doodle doodle do,
Bum bum!

(Blackout. Curtain opens on HENRY.)

HENRY
My, my. Well, here she is — that delightful, delicate, dedicated, and dimpled darling of the Dakotas. Last of the big time swingers: Swingin’ Teddi Barra!

(TEDDI BARRA swings down from above.)

TEDDI BARRA
Well, there he goes.
He hardly knows
The heart he’s breaking.

MAX
Lovely, lovely.

TEDDI BARRA
I talked to him,
But I don’t think
He understood.

BUFF
Aw, sing it gal!

TEDDI BARRA
Oh, just forget
About the plans
That we were makin’.

HENRY
My, my.

TEDDI BARRA
Heart, we did all that we could.

(Music continues as TEDDI BARRA’s swing starts to rise.)

TEDDI BARRA
Y’all come up and see me some time, ya hear?!

HENRY
Yeah! Soon as I find a ladder, I’ll be right up! Mm-hmm!

(Out of tune note sounds and a spotlight shines on the curtain stage right. It opens to reveal BIG AL.)

BIG AL
There was blood on the saddle,
And blood all around,
And a great big puddle
Of blood on the ground.

Heh-heh-heh.

(Blackout. Curtain stage left opens on HENRY. This time he has SAMMY the raccoon as his hat.)

HENRY
Born on a mountain top in Tennessee —
Greenest state in the land of the free.
Raised in the woods, so’s he knew every tree.
Tamed him a “bar” when he was only three.

HENRY AND SAMMY
Davy, Davy Crockett. King of the wild frontier. 

Off in the woods, he’s a-marchin’ along.
Making up yarns, and a-singing his song.
Itchin’ for fighting, and righting a wrong…

(During the second verse, the curtain opens again on BIG AL, who continues to sing “Blood on the Saddle” over HENRY and SAMMY’s performance.)

BIG AL
Blood on the saddle…

HENRY
Hey, wait a minute! Hold the phone down there, you’ve had your turn now!

BIG AL
And blood all around…

SAMMY
Henry, Henry! We need help!

HENRY
Right, Sammy! Hey, gang — hit it!

(All the curtains open again to reveal the whole cast of BEARS. They sing over BIG AL, who continues to sing “Blood on the Saddle.”)

BEARS
Yee-haw, etc!

ENSEMBLE
High on the mountain,
Tell me what do you see?
Bear tracks, bear tracks,
Looking back at me.

Better get your rifles,
Before it’s too late.
Bear’s got a little big,
And he’s headed through the gate.

He’s big around the middle,
And he’s broad across the rump.
Running ninety miles an hour,
Making 30 feet a jump.

He’s never been cornered,
And he’s never been treed.
Some folks say he looks a lot like me.

(Curtains close and lots of crashing sounds are heard. Lights up on the three busts, who laugh. Lights back up on HENRY and SAMMY.)

HENRY
Well, as you can see, we’re just one big, happy family. (Clears throat.) Well folks, this concludes our show. So thanks for bearing with us to the bear end. What do you say Sammy?

SAMMY
I say, you all come back, ya hear?

HENRY, SAMMY, BUFF, MELVYN, AND MAX
We hope that you’ll be coming back again.
That you’ll drop in and see us now and then.
We’ve done our very best to please
With just the “bear” necessities.
We hope that you’ll be coming back again.

Come again.
Come again.

MELVYN
The welcome mat is always out,
‘Cause seeing you is fine.

BUFF, MELVYN, AND MAX
We hope that you’ll be coming back again.

MAX
Don’t forget to gather your belongings…

MELVYN
And your husband too!

MAX
It’s been good to have you.

BUFF
So long folks!

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Enchanted Tales with Belle (Magic Kingdom)

(Guests enter Maurice’s Cottage.)

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Bonjour, everyone! As most of you know, Belle’s father Maurice is an inventor, and this is his workshop. If you look around the workshop, you’ll see plans and lots of working models of some of Maurice’s inventions. Feel free to take as many photos as you like — but please, no flash photography or video lighting.

Now, if you would all direct your attention to the beautiful mirror on the wall. This was actually a gift given from the Beast to Maurice so that he could visit Princess Belle at the castle whenever he wanted. This magic mirror can transport us to the castle at any point in time, and I think I know the perfect time.

Now, repeat after me: “Take me back to the day Belle and Beast fell in love.”

GUESTS
Take me back to the day Belle and Beast fell in love.

(The mirror glows green. Music begins. The forest appears in the mirror, and we pan up to Beast’s castle. The mirror begins to grow. As wooden doors appear on the mirror, they open to reveal the passage into the next room.)

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Welcome to the castle on the day that Belle and the Beast fell in love!

WARDROBE
Helloooo! Welcome! Welcome to the castle! Oh, come in, come in! We just love having visitors… even though the Master can be a bit of a beast sometimes about it. (Laughs.) Oh, and please, let’s have the young ones right up front. That’s it! And grownups, behind them, so everybody can see. You can see me, can’t you? Yes! (Laughs.) I’m so excited! Are we all here? Ready to begin? Wonderful. Bonjour, everyone!

GUESTS
Bonjour!

WARDROBE
Aren’t you a good-looking bunch?! Especially you in the back! This is so exciting — tonight’s the night Belle and the Beast fall in love… at least we hope so! And to help move things along, you’re all going to surprise Belle and act out the story of how they met! Oh, I can hardly wait!

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
I can’t either! Are you guys ready to surprise Belle?

GUESTS
Yeah!

WARDROBE
Wonderful! And we have enough parts for everyone! First, we need two big strong suits of armor to march around and protect the castle.

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Everyone, march! (Chooses two adult GUESTS.) All right, lets have you, sir. And you, sir.

WARDROBE
Oh, and of course, we’ll need someone to play the Master — the Beast! He has a mighty roar!

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Okay, put those paws up and roar!

GUESTS
Roar!

(CAST MEMBER chooses a GUEST and puts the cape on him.)

WARDROBE
Next, we need Belle’s father, Maurice. Maurice gets locked in a dungeon, where he shivers from the cold.

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
The dungeon is very cold! Everybody, shiver! (Chooses a GUEST.)

WARDROBE
And of course, we need someone to play Philippe — Maurice’s horse! Philippe says “neigh!”

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Okay, everyone, neigh!

GUESTS
Neigh!

(CAST MEMBER picks a GUEST to play PHILIPPE)

WARDROBE
And now, Mrs. Potts and dear little Chip, the teacup! They hop everywhere.

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Okay, guys. Now everyone hop, hop, hop! (Chooses two GUESTS.)

WARDROBE
And finally, it’s time to decide who gets to portray me! Oh, you’ve got some awfully big drawers to fill. Okay, give me a great big ah-ahhhhhh!

GUESTS
Ah-ahhhhh!

(CAST MEMBER chooses a WARDROBE.)

WARDROBE
Does everybody have a part who wants one?

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Okay, if anyone else wants a part, raise your hand! (Hands out PLATES, SALT SHAKERS, etc.)

WARDROBE
And now, I have a part for everyone to play. It will be your job to make the sound of a horse galloping. (GUESTS practice.) Oh, wonderful! I think we have time for a quick rehearsal. We’ll start with our Beast. Let me hear you roar! (BEAST roars.) Everybody, roar! (GUESTS roar.) Wonderful! And now, Philippe, give me a great big “neigh!” (PHILIPPE neighs.) And, uh, Mrs. Potts, Chip, hop! (MRS. POTTS and CHIP hop.) Oh, very good. Suits of armor, march! Really stomp those feet! Maurice, shiver! Philippe, neigh! Ooh, everybody gallop. Come on, gallop! Mrs. Potts and Chip, hop! Maurice, shiver! Roar, Beast, roar! Everybody, roar!

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Wonderful! Everybody, give yourselves a round of applause!

WARDROBE
Bravo! Bravo! Oh, I think you’re going to be just wonderful. Belle will be so delighted to see you.  Just wait ’til she sees your performance! It’ll be fabulous! Now, Lumiere will be calling you in soon, and when he does, file into the library quickly and take your seats. Oh, and remember it’s a surpriiiiiiise. So, mum’s the word!

LUMIERE
Allo, bonjour! We are ready!

(Doors to library open.)

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
All right, everyone, let’s have our cast come in first, and then our audience.

WARDROBE
Au revoir! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

(GUESTS file into the library.)

LUMIERE
Oh, come in, come in. Please, sit down. Well, Chéris, before your big dinner with the Master tonight, we thought it would be fun to act out a story with you.

(GUESTS take their seats.)

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Lumiere, I think they’re ready.

LUMIERE
Ah, wonderful! Suits of armor, are you ready?

SUITS OF ARMOR
Oui!

LUMIERE
Superb! Now, you have the hardest part of all. Throughout the entire tale, don’t move. (Laughs.) I’m joking… You will be marching soon enough! Now, remember, Belle doesn’t know you’re here, so shh! I shall call her in, and when she enters, we’ll all shout “surprise!”

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Great idea, Lumiere. Now, everyone, please stay nice and quiet, and when I say “now,” we’ll all shout “surprise!” Oh, and Lumiere, the lights…

LUMIERE
But of course. (Lowers the lights. Calls out.) Belle! Where are you, mademoiselle?

(BELLE enters.)

BELLE
Lumiere?

CAST MEMBER
Now!

GUESTS
Surprise!

BELLE (ad lib)
My goodness! It’s all my friends from the village. This is such a wonderful surprise. Hello there, etc. Lumiere, what brings all of my friends to the library this evening?

LUMIERE
Well, Chérie, before your big dinner with the master tonight, we thought it would be fun to act out a story with you!

BELLE (ad lib)
Oh, that sounds wonderful… As long as I don’t keep the Beast waiting.

LUMIERE
Very well! Let us begin. Once upon a time, there was a charming, intelligent young woman whose name was Belle.

BELLE (ad lib)
Oh, Lumiere…

LUMIERE
Belle lived in a quiet little village, and each morning to everyone, Belle would say “bonjour!”

BELLE
Bonjour, everyone!

GUESTS
Bonjour, Belle!

LUMIERE
Then, one night, when her father was away on a journey, Belle heard the sound of galloping.

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Everyone, gallop! (Brings PHILIPPE forward.)

LUMIERE
It was her father’s horse, Philippe, returning to town. But Maurice, he was not with him. Belle asked Philippe where her father was.

BELLE (ad lib)
Philippe, where’s Papa?

PHILIPPE
Neigh!

LUMIERE
Which means, “I… think he’s somewhere in the forest.”

BELLE (ad lib)
Of course, thank you.

LUMIERE
So Belle set off through the forest to find her father.

BELLE (ad lib)
Papa! Papa! (She wanders around the room, looking for him.)

LUMIERE
As she searched, she could hear the wind whistling.

(CAST MEMBER gets GUESTS to mimic whistling wind.)

LUMIERE
And the wolves howling.

(CAST MEMBER leads GUESTS in a howl.)

LUMIERE
At last, she came to a castle. And there, locked in a cold, dark dungeon cell, she found her father, Maurice, shivering.

(MAURICE shivers.)

LUMIERE
Then, suddenly, the biggest, most ferocious beast Belle had ever seen jumped out and roared!

(BEAST roars.)

LUMIERE
The suits of armor screeched at the top of their lungs.

(SUITS OF ARMOR scream.)

LUMIERE
Belle pleaded with the Beast to let Maurice go. But the Beast refused. So Belle agreed to take her father’s place.

BELLE (ad lib)
You go home, Papa. I’ll stay here.

LUMIERE
Later that night, Belle became hungry and searched the castle for something to eat. So imagine her surprise when a tiny teacup named Chip hopped up to her and said “hello.”

(CHIP hops up to BELLE.)

BELLE (ad lib)
Bonjour!

LUMIERE
Then Mrs. Potts hopped up and poured her a nice cup of tea.

(MRS. POTTS hops over to BELLE and pours tea.)

BELLE (ad lib)
Well, thank your very much!

LUMIERE
Suddenly, all the enchanted objects jumped to their feet! The suits of armor marched in time as we invited everyone to… (Sings.)

(BELLE leads the ENCHANTED OBJECTS as they march around the room.)

LUMIERE
Be our guest,

Be our guest,
Put our service to the test!
Tie your napkin ’round your neck, Chérie,
And we provide the rest!

Soup du jour,
Hot hors d’oeuvres,
Why, we only live to serve!
Try the grey stuff — it’s delicious!
Don’t believe me? Ask the dishes!

They can sing!
They can dance!
After all, miss, this is France.
And a dinner here is never second best.

Go on, unfold your menu,
Take a glance and then you’ll
Be our guest!
Oui, our guest!
Be our guest!

(CAST MEMBER presents each character for a round of applause.)

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Maurice! Philippe! Chip! Mrs. Potts! Madame Wardrobe! The plates! The salt shakers!

BELLE (ad lib)
Wonderful! It was great seeing you all. You all did such a wonderful job, etc.

LUMIERE
Be our guest,
Be our guest,
Be our guest!
Please be our guest!

(Music transitions to “Beauty and the Beast.” BELLE dances with BEAST.)

LUMIERE
And as time went on, Belle realized the the Beast was not mean or cruel — but in his heart, was sweet and kind. And Belle and the Beast became the very best of friends. And that is the story of how the Beauty met the Beast.

(Applause.)

LUMIERE
Oh, superb! Magnifique! Thank you all so much! And to show our appreciation, we’ll give you something to mark the occasion.

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Here we are, Belle — your favorite bookmarks.

BELLE (ad lib)
What a wonderful idea. Now you can all use them to mark your favorite part of the book too.

(GUESTS who participated in the story file through, get bookmarks, and take pictures with BELLE.)

LUMIERE
Excusez-moi, mademoiselle! Dinner awaits!

BELLE (ad lib)
Of course. I don’t want to keep Beast waiting! Thank you all so much for your help today. Goodbye!

(BELLE exits.)

LUMIERE
Au revoir, Chérie! Good luck! Suits of armor, you are dismissed! Goodbye, one and all!

CAST MEMBER (ad lib)
Okay, everyone, now please stand up and exit the library. Thank you all for joining us, etc.

(GUESTS exit.)

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Expedition Everest (Disney’s Animal Kingdom)

(Queue safety announcement.)

SAFETY ANNOUNCER
Expedition Everest team members should proceed to the loading platform. Once on board, please take your seat immediately, pull down the restraint, and secure all gear in the cargo bag. Have a great trip!

Namaste. Himalayan Escapes welcomes members of the Expedition Everest team. When you board, please sit down immediately, pull down the restraint, and secure all gear in the cargo bag in front of you. Thank you.

(Loading area safety announcement.)

Attention, Expedition Everest team members: once on board, secure all your gear in the cargo bag in front of you. For your safety, remain seated with your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the train, and please supervise your children.

(Spanish safety spiel.)

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Kali River Rapids (Disney’s Animal Kingdom)

(Preshow Queue Video.)

MANISHA GURUNG
Hello, my name is Manisha Gurung. I am the founder and manager of Kali Rapids Expeditions. When you board one of our rafts, you can look forward to an exciting, safe, and very wet trip down a Class IV stretch of beautiful river. My team and I believe that our river rides are more than just an exciting adventure. We believe they help spread a message to visitors about preserving wild places — like our forest. All around Anandapur, logging companies in search of tropical hardwood have bitten deep into the jungle. When this happens, the traditional life of village and forest is destroyed forever. I created this river-rafting enterprise to demonstrate there are non-destructive ways to bring revenue to the village. Because the more people like you care, the better chance our jungle has of surviving. Thank you for choosing Kali Rapids Expeditions! We hope your journey will show you a world that is truly worth saving.

(Safety announcement.)

SAFETY ANNOUNCER
Hello, my friends. To make sure your expedition is a safe one, stay seated with your seatbelt fastened, keeping your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the raft — and be sure to watch your children! May you have a memorable and exciting journey!

(Spanish safety spiel.)

Greetings friends. There’s some rough water ahead, so for a safe journey, remain seated with your seatbelt fastened. Keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the raft — and be sure to watch your children. Thank you, and enjoy your journey!

(Spanish safety spiel.)

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O’ Canada! (Epcot)

*Sung lyrics in bold.

(Guests enter theatre and are greeted by announcement from Canadian cast member. The film begins.)

(Blizzard conditions appear on screen.)

NARRATOR
Canada! Big. Wide. And very, very cold.

MARTIN SHORT
What?

NARRATOR
Here in the great white north, it snows 24 hours a day—

MARTIN SHORT
No, no, no…

NARRATOR
Every day of the year.

MARTIN SHORT
Excuse me!

NARRATOR
Its frozen landscape is dotted with igloos—

MARTIN SHORT
Uh, hello!

NARRATOR
Homes for the vast majority of Canadians.

MARTIN SHORT
Would someone please just stop the—

NARRATOR
Penguins and polar bears prowl the permafrost—

MARTIN SHORT
Stop the movie!!

(MARTIN SHORT appears on screen as the NARRATOR’s voice gets cut off.)

MARTIN SHORT
Thank you.

(The snow disappears, coating MARTIN SHORT in the process.)

NARRATOR
Of all the nerve…

MARTIN SHORT
Sorry to interrupt, but everything he said is wrong. (To NARRATOR) You’re completely wrong!

NARRATOR
I am?

MARTIN SHORT
Have you ever been to Canada?

NARRATOR
Mm, technically, no.

MARTIN SHORT
Uh-huh… You know, you know, I think these good people deserve to hear from someone who knows the true Canada — someone who loves Canada, who grew up there.

NARRATOR
Is Celene Dion here?!

MARTIN SHORT
No, Celene Dion is not here. I’m referring to myself — Martin Short. Hello. Raised in Hamilton, Ontario…

NARRATOR
Fine! I’ll just go to the France Pavilion film — where they appreciate an invisible narrator!

MARTIN SHORT
Adieu… That’s French…

(Sound of a door opening and slamming.)

MARTIN SHORT
Now, I can show you the real Canada — my Canada. And there’s lots to see, so let’s go, shall we?

(Scenes from Niagara Falls appear onscreen, with Toronto in the background.)

MARTIN SHORT
First stop, Niagara Falls. Oh, I know what you’re thinking — you’re thinking, “But Martin, those are in America!” And you’d be half right. This half, however, is in Canada: the spectacular Horseshoe Falls.

(Onscreen scene changes to Bay of Fundy.)

MARTIN SHORT
Now, from one natural wonder to another, check out the Bay of Fundy in New Brunswick — the largest tide in the world. Now this is low-tide, obviously, when you can actually walk on the sea floor. But at high-tide, you’d be 50 feet underwater. So time your walks very carefully, okay?

(Scene changes to follow a train passing by mountains.)

MARTIN SHORT
From the East Coast, we zoom across six timezones to the West Coast, so keep your hands and feet inside the country at all times.

(Scene changes to Butchart Gardens.)

MARTIN SHORT
Vancouver Island’s spectacular Butchart Gardens — inspiring visitors from around the world for over 100 years.

(Flowers bloom in fast motion on screen.)

MARTIN SHORT
But if you like your plants a little bigger, take a stroll through nearby Cathedral Grove.

(Scene changes to giant tree trunks of Cathedral Grove.)

MARTIN SHORT
Some of the trees here are more than 800 years old. With sights like these, I’m sure it comes as no surprise that Canadians love the great outdoors.

(Cut to shots of various wildlife, including elk, deer, moose, geese, eagles, wolves, bears, etc.)

MARTIN SHORT
Especially these Canadians!

(Screens all change to show polar bears.)

MARTIN SHORT
I suppose the polar bears are a bit of a giveaway that we do get a little snow in Canada.

(Camera pans over snow-covered mountains.)

MARTIN SHORT
But you know what, it doesn’t slow us down — not one bit.

(Skiers and snowboarders are shown doing various tricks and jumps. Cut to athletes curling.)

MARTIN SHORT
And okay, sometimes I do get a little excited about curling… but who doesn’t?

(MARTIN SHORT appears on screen in curling uniform and throws the stone. He runs after it, waving his arms.)

MARTIN SHORT
Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!

(Cut to pedestrians skating down an icy canal.)

MARTIN SHORT
In winter, skating is our favorite form of transportation. Like here on the Rideau Canal in Ottawa.

(Cut to MARTIN SHORT dressed in hockey uniform.)

MARTIN SHORT
I was practically born on skates. In fact, I just happen to have some footage from my glory days in peewee hockey.

(The rest of the screens show a peewee hockey game.)

MARTIN SHORT
Isn’t it great that my parents owned a CircleVision camera?! What are the odds?

SKATING KID
Don’t pass it to Marty!

MARTIN SHORT
Hey, that’s me!

(One of the KIDS passes to YOUNG MARTY, who misses the puck. The KIDS groan.)

SKATING KID
He never scores!

MARTIN SHORT
Well, I think you can clearly see my early potential.

(Cut to a pro hockey game.)

MARTIN SHORT
Sure, I could have gone pro — the dream of every young Canadian.

(One player violently checks another into the wall.)

MARTIN SHORT
But I decided to go into comedy instead.

(Sound of ice cracking, and MARTIN SHORT falls through the ice into the water.)

MARTIN SHORT
(Screams.) Looks like things are warming up.

(Cut to rafters navigating rapids, horses racing, and baseball players.)

MARTIN SHORT
But that’s okay, because when the snow melts, Canadians are just as passionate about warm-weather sports.

(Cut to skateboarder doing a trick and then lacrosse players scoring a goal. Cut to a seaside town.)

MARTIN SHORT
Here in Nova Scotia, our passion is sailing. This is the home of the legendary Bluenose — winner of four international races in her day. We’re so proud of her, we put her image on a coin! Check it out the next time you accidentally get a Canadian dime in your change.

(Boats sail across open water. Camera pans over a bridge and over islands.)

MARTIN SHORT
Yes, Canadians do treasure nature and the great outdoors, and with such colorful small towns as Moosejaw and Medicine Hat, some people might think we’re rustic backwoods folks. But in fact, most Canadians live in cities. C’mon, I’ll show you.

(Cut to wharf in Victoria.)

MARTIN SHORT
Here’s beautiful Victoria, British Columbia. The architecture of this charming city is so inspired by its British heritage, that you would swear you were in England.

(Cut to Vancouver skyline.)

MARTIN SHORT
Victoria’s nearest neighbor is Vancouver. This diverse, cosmopolitan city is nestled between a rainforest, coastal mountains, and the Pacific Ocean. It’s also home to Canada’s exciting film industry — now that’s talent!

(Cut to scenes from Calgary.)

MARTIN SHORT
Next stop is Calgary, gateway to the Rocky Mountains — where sophisticated city living is right around the corner from outdoor adventure. And if you visit in July, don’t forget to pack your chaps and spurs.

(MARTIN SHORT appears on screen in full cowboy regalia.)

MARTIN SHORT
Yee-haw! Haha! The Calgary Stampede — in the saddle since 1912. With buckin’ broncos, wagon races, and bull riding. Let me show you how it’s done. (He uses his lasso to try to catch a passing calf.) Get along, little doggie!

(A bullrider tries to stay atop a bucking bull, wagon races go by, and a cowboy wrestles a cow to the ground. Cut to MARTIN SHORT tied up on the ground in his own rope, while the calf looks on from behind him.)

MARTIN SHORT
From the height of the Rockies to the height of sophistication —Toronto.

(Cut to Toronto skyline.)

MARTIN SHORT
This is a truly creative city, filled with theatres, museums, and nightlife.

(Cut to celebrities and photographers at the Toronto International Film Festival.)

MARTIN SHORT
The highlight of the year is the Toronto International Film Festival, where stars and fans from all over the world arrive for premieres and parties. C’est magnifique. Oh, I know,  you’re probably thinking, “Hey Marty, what’s with the French?”

(Cut to Quebec City skyline.)

MARTIN SHORT
Well, it’s because now we are in Quebec — the cradle of French civilization in North America. Quebec City is the only walled city in Canada.

(Cut to various views of Quebec City attractions and locals. Cut to Montreal skyline.)

MARTIN SHORT
But the largest city in the Provence de Quebec is Montreal. In fact, it’s the largest French-speaking city outside of France. Elle est très belle, non? A little help for the monolinguals in the audience.

(Subtitles read “It is very beautiful, no?”)

MARTIN SHORT
Merci!

(Subtitles read “You’re welcome!” Cut to shots of landmarks from across Montreal.)

MARTIN SHORT
Montreal is the home of a little theatre group you just might be familiar with.

(Cut to scenes performed by Cirque du Soleil. MARTIN SHORT appears on screen atop a ball being help up by an acrobat.)

MARTIN SHORT
Cirque du Soleil was created on the sidewalks of Quebec by street performers in 1984. Today, it has shows all over the world.

(Cut to more acrobatic scenes from Cirque du Soleil.)

MARTIN SHORT
And speaking of talented performers, here are a few other Canadians you might recognize.

(Celebrities appear on screen, including Keanu Reeves, Avril Lavigne, Joni Mitchell, Catherine O’Hara, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Dan Ackroyd, William Shatner, k.d. lang, etc.)

MARTIN SHORT
Wait, aren’t we missing the most glamorous one of all?

(All the screens display headshots of MARTIN SHORT.)

MARTIN SHORT
Ah, that’s better. Well, I guess you could say entertainers are Canada’s most important export. But let me introduce you to the real stars of Canada — the people who make up one of the most diverse countries in the world.

(Images of Canadian citizens of all ages start to appear on screen.)

MARTIN SHORT
From our native people to our newest immigrants, we treasure that diversity. But no matter who we are, we’re all proud to be Canadian. This would be the perfect place for a song. I think so, don’t you?

(Music begins for “Canada – You’re a Lifetime Journey.” Cut to mounties forming a long line on horseback. During the song, the camera pans across various scenes from different parts of Canada, focusing on all different landscapes.)

FEMALE SOLOIST
Canada,
My Canada,
You’re a lifetime journey for the traveler.

Canada,
My Canada,
You’re a lifeline of wonder on this planet Earth.

Canada,
You are far too vast and beautiful for words to ever really tell.
Canada,
Ten thousand dawns and sunsets I could see,
And still not know you well.

J’ai suivi la trace de tes oiseaux de neiges dans les forêts,
J’atteins peu à peu ton coeur et je vois
Comme si comme l’enfant.

Canada (Canada),
My Canada (mon Canada),
Aboutissement d’un rêve pour tous les voyageurs.

Canada (Canada),
My Canada (mon Canada),
Sur ta ligne de vie se tracent les miracles de la terre.

Canada,
Comme une odyssée à travers les temps,
Tu es la fleur et la semence.
Canada,
Tes montagnes, tes villes, et tes mers
Sont tout ce que j’aime.

People from around the world have settled in your land.
For their heritage and Canada they stand,
Side by side and hand in hand.

Canada (Canada)
My Canada (mon Canada)
You’re a lifeline of wonder.

(The montage ends in Vancouver, where the camera pans over the Canada Place terminal.)

FEMALE SOLOIST
Ooh, ohh, mmm.

(Cut to Niagara Falls at night.)

MARTIN SHORT
Here we area at Niagara Falls again. We’ve come full-circle, and sadly, our journey has come to an end.

(MARTIN SHORT appears on screen.)

MARTIN SHORT
Well, I just hope you enjoyed your tour of my Canada — but there’s nothing like the real thing. So just walk outside the theatre, hook a left toward that big silver ball, and keep walking due north, you can’t miss it. Just tell them Marty sent you. (He tries to get out of the screen.) Now, how do I get out of here, ’cause I have a FASTPASS for Soarin’… Hate to miss it… (Looking around.) I need help!

(He wanders off screen as the film ends.)

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Walt Disney World Railroad (Magic Kingdom)

(Train stops at Main Street Station.)

NARRATOR
Welcome aboard the Walt Disney World Railroad! We’re about to take a grand circle tour of the Magic Kingdom, with stops along the way at Frontierland and Fantasyland. Just sit tight and keep your hands, arms, feet, and legs well inside the train. We’re leaving Main Street Station right now, so wave goodbye — but if you stay on board long enough, why, sooner or later, you’ll be back.

(Spanish safety spiel.)

For an old conductor like me, there’s no better place to ride the rails than the Magic Kingdom. By the way, we’re traveling on pure steam power. This old locomotive is descended from the mighty trains that powered the golden age of steam. And just like me, it’s a little old-fashioned. Now, where else can you travel from the charm of Main Street, U.S.A. to the untamed jungles of Africa, Asia, and South America? At the Magic Kingdom, anything is possible, and we’re headed straight to the heart of Adventureland. It can get pretty wild in these parts — especially if you run into Captain Jack Sparrow. He’s hidin’ out among those scurrilous Pirates of the Caribbean. But whether you’re boardin’ a boat for the Jungle Cruise or flyin’ on Aladdin’s magic carpets, when you visit Adventureland, bring an extra dose of bravery. As for me, I’ll stay safe and sound right here aboard my train, if ya don’t mind.

(Train whistle sounds.)

We’ve reached the wild west of the Magic Kingdom: Frontierland. Well, this outpost is home to the covered wagons, cowpokes, and Country Bears. And we’ve got our own mountain range of excitin’ adventures. You might catch a runaway mine train at Big Thunder Mountain, or hop on over to Splash Mountain and join Br’er Rabbit for a 50-foot drop straight down into the briar patch. We’ve reached Frontierland Station, everyone, so sit tight until we’ve come to a complete stop. If you’re disembarking here, please carry your strollers all the way off the platform before you unfold ’em. That’ll help make room for the new passengers joinin’ us. Watch your step now — this is Frontierland Station.

(Train stops at Frontierland Station. Train leaves the station.)

Howdy, folks! If you’re just joinin’ us, welcome aboard the Walt Disney World Railroad. We’re headed for Fantasyland and to Main Street, U.S.A. Everybody stay seated, and keep your hands and arms, feet, and legs safely inside the train. And as always, keep an eye on your little ones.

(Spanish safety spiel.)

As we head into the American wilderness, we’ll pass by the dusty desert town of Tumbleweed. Keep your eyes peeled for the runaway mine trains of Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Runaway trains… now I ask you — is that any way to run a railroad? I feel right at home here in the prairies and forests of the American wilderness. These woods haven’t changed much since the days when settlers started headin’ west! Nowadays, the rails can carry us safely through the wild, and a trip that used to take months can now be made in just a few weeks. There’s plenty of deer, antelope, and elk that feed along the banks of the river. And naturally, plenty of early settlers decided to put down stakes and live here too. Of course, those early settlers weren’t the first to make their home in this wild frontier. These native tribes of Plains Indians were living, hunting, and trading for centuries before we ever came along. They were the first to tame the wild horses of the American plains — long before our big ol’ iron horses started chuggin’ through these parts.

We’re almost out of the woods, folks. We’re comin’ up on the most magical of lands: Fantasyland — a place where any dream can come true! Fly over London with Peter Pan. Set sail on “it’s a small world.” Take a trip under the sea with The Little Mermaid. Be our guest at an enchanted feast in the Beast’s Castle. Or journey into the Seven Dwarfs’ mine, where a million diamonds shine. Whether you’re a pixie, a princess, or just an everyday dreamer, there’s always something special about Fantasyland.

If you’ve been riding trains as long as this old-timer, you may remember the days when the circus would come to town on the local railway. Well, the circus is here, and it’s set up permanent headquarters as the Fantasyland Storybook Circus. This is the place to fly high with Dumbo, or join Goofy on the Barnstormer — a frolicking ride of circus acrobatics and coaster thrills. This station is also your gateway to the rest of Fantasyland and Tomorrowland. Now, please wait until the train has come to a complete stop, gather your belongings, and carry your strollers away from the platform before you start unfoldin’ ’em. That way, we can start loadin’ up for the next leg of our trip. For those of your disembarking, please watch your step, and thanks for traveling with us on the Walt Disney World Railroad. Join us again real soon. If you’re stayin’ aboard, our next stop is Main Street Station.

(Train stops at Fantasyland Station. Train leaves the station.)

Looks like we’re ready to embark on the next leg of our journey! Our destination is Main Street, U.S.A. Now, everyone stay seated, and keep your hands and arms, feet, and legs inside the train at all times. And please, keep an eye on your children.

(Spanish safety spiel.)

There are some who say that this steam train is a little old-fashioned — but for me, it’s the only way to travel. Of course, there are those who prefer to hit the highway, and on the right, you just might spot some pint-sized drivers taking their first spin behind the wheel of a car. Gettin’ from place to place is a big deal in Tomorrowland, where you might board a PeopleMover, zip around on the Astro Orbiter, or book a flight across the galaxy at our busy Starport in Space Mountain. Tomorrowland is truly a world on the move!

Speaking of moving, seems like a whole lot of new neighbors have been migrating in from all corners of the Milky Way. There’s that rascally Experiment 626 — better known as Stitch — always up to his usual antics. Buzz Lightyear is scoutin’ for a few good Space Rangers. Even the monsters of Monstropolis have taken a shine to Tomorrowland. I hear those monsters are pretty funny (they’re sure funny-lookin’).

Yup, the future is here today at the Magic Kingdom — and the future looks like a lot of fun. But after workin’ on the railroad all the live-long day, it’s nice to come home to good old Main Street, U.S.A. Inspired by the small-town dreams of a young Walt Disney, a walk down Main Street is like steppin’ back into the early years of the 20th century. Of course, ours is a Main Street of the imagination, and we’ve got our own hometown hero: Mickey Mouse! Mickey and his friends have gathered at the Town Square Theatre, and they’re always happy to meet their fans!

We’ve made a complete trip around the Magic Kingdom. For those of you who’ve been on board for the whole journey, thanks for puttin’ up with me these last few days. If you’re stayin’ with us, we’ll be headed for Frontierland next. Right now, please stay seated until our train comes to a complete stop. Then pick up your belongings, and carefully step off the train. If you have strollers to unfold, please take ’em all the way beyond the platform so we can safely board passengers for the next leg of our journey. This is Main Street Station — Main Street, U.S.A.

(Train stops at Main Street Station.)

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Test Track 2.0 (Epcot)

(Guests proceed from queue area into Design Studio holding room. Instructional video begins on overhead TVs.)

NARRATOR (Voiceover)
In a moment, the automatic doors will open, and you’ll be in the Chevrolet Design Studio to design your own Chevrolet Custom Concept Vehicle. As you enter, look for the Design Station kiosk that matches the color and number on which you are currently positioned. If you are designing as group of up to three people, you will all be sharing a single design station.

When you arrive at your Design Station, use your Design Key and touch it to the reader. If you are working as a group, you only need to touch your Design Key to your reader once for your entire party.

After your Design Key is detected by the reader, it will be associated with your Design Station kiosk. Now it’s time to get designing using the touchscreen interface. Start by connecting the two number points to draw the outline of your vehicle. You’ll see how the shape of your vehicle reflects the four Performance Attributes: Capability, Efficiency, Responsiveness, or Power. Touch the “Optimize” button to smooth your profile line and improve your attributes. Use the grab points to explore other shapes and features. You can then choose from a selection of creative styling elements to make your dream vehicle a one-of-a-kind masterpiece.

(Guests enter Design Studio and find their kiosks. Guests design their cars and continue through the rest of the queue.)

NARRATOR
Congratulations. Your Chevrolet Custom Concept Vehicle is ready for performance testing on the SimTrack. A Test Track technician will direct you to your gate. Before you board, be sure to touch your Design Key to the reader. Your design is now linked to the SimCar ride vehicle. Your SimTrack journey is about to begin!

(Guests board ride vehicles.)

SAFETY ANNOUNCER
Hello. The seatbelt check is around the corner. For your safety, remain seated with your seatbelt fastened and your hands, arms, feet, and legs inside the vehicle at all times. And please supervise children. Thank you.

(Spanish safety spiel.)

COMPUTER VOICE
Automated driving technology activated.

NARRATOR
Welcome to the SimTrack. We’ll begin with a capability test to see how your vehicles perform under challenging weather and surface conditions.

COMPUTER VOICE
Monitoring road surface.

ONSTAR VOICE
Connecting to OnStar.

COMPUTER VOICE
SimCar performance data acquired.

NARRATOR
Let’s see how your designs hold up now.

COMPUTER VOICE
Commencing SimCar offroad and extreme weather sequence.

(Vehicles undergo tests for dangerous road conditions and pass by screen displaying Capability results.)

COMPUTER VOICE
Capability test results displayed and verified.

NARRATOR
Now let’s see how your vehicles compare when it comes to their efficiency.

(Vehicles begin Efficiency tests.)

COMPUTER VOICE
Scanning SimCar for optimal eco-efficiency. Engaging eco-scan for aerodynamic efficiency. Drive systems analysis: hyper-spectral imaging in process. Calculating total enviro-impact.

(Efficiency results displayed on screens.)

COMPUTER VOICE
Commencing Responsiveness test.

NARRATOR
Okay, the Responsiveness data is now being synchronized.

COMPUTER VOICE
Automated driving technology verified and active

(Vehicles drive around tight corners and skid past a large truck.)

COMPUTER VOICE
Automated crash avoidance technology disengaged.

(Responsiveness results shown on screen.)

COMPUTER VOICE
Displaying Responsiveness data.

(Vehicles pass by logos for the four Performance Attributes — Capability, Efficiency, Responsiveness, and Power.)

NARRATOR
Here comes the final test.

COMPUTER VOICE
Energizing for Power test.

(Vehicles speed up and exit to the outdoor track. Speedometer reaches 65mph as they go under it. Vehicles slow down again as they re-enter the indoor track.)

COMPUTER VOICE
Displaying Power test results.

(Power rankings are shown on screen.)

COMPUTER VOICE
SimTrack performance testing complete.

NARRATOR
This concludes your performance testing. You’ll be able to see how your Chevrolet Custom Concept Vehicle designs compared with the SimCar after you disembark.

Please watch your step as you exit, and remember to take all personal belongings with you. Be sure to check your final performance numbers in our scoring area.

(Vehicles return to unload area and guests exit.)

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